I guess I have anxiety.

Living with anxiety seems fun and awesome. Especially since I have ADHD and my overactive brain is always on, only now it’s thinking about worst case scenarios.

For example, I think the world will come to an end in our lifetime. I think about it obsessively, but I have always worried about the End of Times, even when I was a little girl.

I sometimes wake Shaun out of a dead sleep and yell:

JESUS HORNS, SHAUN! JESUS HORNS! WAKE UP AND REPENT! REPENT!!!

To which, without fail, he groggily replies:

It’s a damn train whistle, Meredith. Go back to sleep.

But you guys know that Revelation says that the seventh trumpet will sound, right? So pay attention and listen for that sound. And then say you’re sorry (really quickly!) for all the bad things you’ve done.

I typically do one sweeping, yet sincere, apology prayer when I think I hear the Jesus Horns.

Lord, please forgive me of all my sins ever, and I mean ALL of them. I love you Lord. Jesus died for these sins. I am so sorry he had to do that, because I am clearly a total underserving idiot. AMEN!

Really yell out the “Amen!” part. That’s how God knows you’re serious. We’re talking about your eternal salvation, folks. So this prayer is super important. You can thank me when you get beamed up beside me… (which will most likely be in the very near future).

Anyway, back to the anxiety.

I was sort of in denial about having any worrywart issues. But on the same day I found out about having “the anxiety”, this Facebook post appeared on my wall from my first-cousin, Julia:

_6__Did_your_mother_tell_you_that_you_were_not____-_Julia_Staley_White

Which got me to thinking, I AM NOT ANXIOUS. I JUST COME FROM A LONG LINE OF SURVIVORS!

So to help you survive, not only will I be teaching you the quick wipe-my-sins-away prayer for Jesus Horn situations, I will also tell you all of the other ways you can die. Our family survival tips have been passed down from generation to generation. It’s important to us to keep our high quality family tree thriving.

I’m basically giving away our family’s secrets. YOU ARE WELCOME, INTERNET!

WAYS YOU CAN DIE
AS PASSED DOWN TO ME FROM MY MOTHER
(WHO RECEIVED THEM FROM HER MOTHER… AND SO ON…AND SO ON)

1. Don’t take showers or baths during storms. Lightening can come inside of your house, strike you, and kill you dead.

2. Never ever EVER sit on a public toilet seat. Like, ever. Cholera. Look it up. It sounds awful, and it comes from poop water, which is the definition of a toilet. You can also catch something less deadly, but equally annoying… herpes. Herpes never leaves you. And a healthy crab can jump 10 feet. At a minimum.

In fact, my Aunt Grace (God rest her little soul), once threw away her panties at a rest stop because the top elastic part accidentally grazed the outside of toilet seat. She rode for eight hours in the car, while traveling from West-By-God-Virginia to Akron, Ohio, without underwear. She lived many more years after that… probably because she threw those cholera-infested underwear away.

3. Do not drive your car over snakes that are slithering across the road.  I feel like this one is super obvious. But just in case you didn’t know, if you drive over a live snake with your car, it can actually wrap itself around your tire and come into your car through the wheel well. Once it’s inside, it will bite you, kill you with its venom, and then eat your eyeballs out of your skull.

This would be a really awful way to go. We can all agree on that.

4. Tampons will most certainly lead to your death. The Mayo Clinic says: Toxic shock syndrome is a rare, life-threatening complication of certain types of bacterial infections. Often toxic shock syndrome results from toxins produced by Staphylococcus aureus (staph) bacteria, but the condition may also be caused by toxins produced by group A streptococcus (strep) bacteria.

Plus, they are for easy girls. Besides, God wants that sinful blood to come out of you.  He designed us this way. I’m almost certain there is a verse about this in Deuteronomy. I could be wrong here… But I doubt it.

5. Don’t talk on the landline during a storm. As my first-cousin, Julia, reminded me during our survival revival, “We aren’t supposed to talk on the phone either! Lightning can travel through the phone lines and kill you graveyard dead!!!”

Graveyard dead is the worst kind of dead.

6. Keep a supply of food in your basement or wash house, or risk starving to death after the tornado hits because no one is going to find you under the rubble for days.  A couple bags of potato chips totally works in this scenario. And maybe some canned pickles.

Consider storing some vodka as well. Not only will it help you cope with being under a pile of rubble for days, but it can also be used as an antiseptic if you need to perform an emergency leg amputation on one of your family members.

And don’t forget the toilet paper. There’s no reason to be covered in poop when you’re stuck under rubble.

Store nice clean underwear, too. The rescuers will probably see them during the ambulance ride because tornadoes are weird. They can blow your pants right off of your body. You don’t want to be embarrassed in your stained up period panties. Put on something pretty. For the rescuers.

7. Never eat bacon that smells funny. Tapeworms, people. Tapeworms kill.

(although I have been trying to find some bad bacon with tapeworms in it for dieting purposes – for years – I’m living on the edge here)

8. If you’re sick, you must only eat things on the BRAT diet, otherwise you will never get well again. What’s the BRAT diet? Bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast. You can add ginger ale, but adding a “G” to “BRAT” makes it hard to remember, and I don’t want to confuse you.

If you eat anything besides the BRAT diet when you’re sick… curtains.

9. Never pick up a hitchhiker or look them directly in the eye. All hitchhikers are ax murderers. Everyone know this. Don’t even make eye contact with a hitchhiker. They will jump on your car and come in through your windows. Eye contact is a murder invitation to them.

10. Don’t touch dead birds. Not only do they carry lice and rabies, they also carry whatever disease killed them in the first place. Avian bird flu? Yeah. That’s a real serious thing.

11. If you sleep in a bra, you will die from a heart attack. We never sleep in our bras in our family. This is why not a single one of us has been squeezed to death, by our bra, in our sleep.

If I get to pick a way to die, I will probably choose this one. Being squeezed to death, and suffering a quiet heart attack, while sleeping, seems like such a peaceful way to go.

But it’s a catch 22. Because if I do choose this death method, I am essentially choosing to end my life that night. So I’ll probably never die like this since I’m busy trying to stay above ground.

Knowing my luck, I’ll accidentally drive over a car snake.

12. If you sing at the dining room table, during dinner, your dog will die. My mom once sang at the kitchen table. She was asked to stop it. She didn’t. Later that night, her dog died. That’s scientific proof right there!

So there you have it.

Again, I don’t think I have anxiety. I don’t even think I come from a long line of anxious people. What I know is that we are all obviously very smart, braless, birdless, tamponless, full of common sense, logical, and alive.

And now so are you.

STAY ALIVE OUT THERE TODAY, INTERNET!

{ 23 comments }

The 15 Best Things About Working From Home

by Meredith on October 7, 2014

Theresa Lollis and I were chatting about all of the reasons why working from home is awesome.

The conversation took place partly to keep up moral from our home offices (because it kind of does suck when you talk to your dog more than actual people some days) and partly out of truth (because some things rock).

So without further ado, here are 15 things that will make everyone who works in a real office… jealous.

1. You can sleep 30 extra minutes because you don’t have a commute.

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No more cussing at bad drivers who stop for barely red lights, and no more putting on make-up in the car to be on time! BAM!

2. No one judges you (or says anything about nutritional values) when you eat half a bag of chocolate chips. For lunch.

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And no one steals your lunch either.

3. You can set personal goals for yourself based on weird things like “length of time without a shower” and “let’s see how many days I can go without washing my hair”.

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If I can smell my butt from my face, I just take a shower on my “lunch hour”.

5. You’re the hardest working person in your office.

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Let’s be honest. I’m scoring a perfect 10 on my self-evaluation performance review. I run circles around my office-mates.

6. You know everything that’s going on in your neighborhood AT ALL TIMES.

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They think I’m unemployed, but that’s okay, I’m judging them as well.

7. You can write off all kinds of shit on your taxes.

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Do you have any receipts I can borrow?

8. No office potlucks. Like, ever.

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Your cats walked in their litter box, and then on the counter, where you prepared this potato salad that you’re about to feed all of us.

9. You can wear your new favorite shirt three times in the same week because you don’t see the same people everyday. 

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And if I’m not going anywhere, “getting dressed” simply means “putting on clean pajamas”.

10. No makeup. 

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The dog likes my natural face… even with picked zits.

11. TV timeout? I think so!

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A little Days of Our Lives with a bag of chocolate chips. Done and done.

This is the new water cooler.

12. Driving in the snow or scraping ice off of your car windows before you’ve had coffee? What’s that like?

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I’m just gonna stay right here and be warm and work and stuff.

13. You can sit on the toilet seat! And you can finally poop at work! 

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I know where my own butt has been.

Did I start my period? No more sneaking my purse in the bathroom with me!

14. You’re always right.

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I don’t “do” office drama because I get along with me so well.

15. You can basically become an anti-social hermit if you try hard enough.

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“Honey, I know you just walked in the door from your half hour commute… but you have on pants and you’ve washed your hair today. Can you just run to the store and pick me up some more chocolate chips?”

What did we miss? What do you like best about working from home?

 

 

{ 8 comments }

Leggings Are Not Pants

September 16, 2014

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 2,567 times. Leggings are not pants. I was hoping I would stop seeing this trend. But instead, I see more camel toe than I can stand on a daily basis. I see it at the grocery store, I see it at the bars, heck I even see [...]

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Takedown Culture

September 4, 2014

I’ve noticed something very disturbing in the past few years, and it just keeps getting worse. Social media has developed this nasty place of taking each other down. We love nothing more than to see a thread of comments, 152 deep, where people are ripping each other apart and being nasty. And when we show [...]

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#VoicemailsAreDumbStopLeavingThem

August 21, 2014

I don’t normally look this stressed out, but when I do, it’s because I have 1,383 unheard voicemail messages. No, for real, I am going to prove it to you: Stop it with the voicemails. I know I can’t be alone on this. #VoicemailsAreDumbStopLeavingThem

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Sex every single day? #GTFO.

August 18, 2014

Shaun: “Huh. Yet another woman is on the news who had sex every single day with her husband.” Me: “I call BS. And why is this even newsworthy? I’ll tell you why – because it’s unreal.” Shaun: “I want sex every single day.” Me: “Good luck with that.” There seems to be this new trend. Sex [...]

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The Medium

July 24, 2014

After a long talk with Shaun, I had decided not to make this a blog post and open it up for the entire world to see. There were personal and professional reasons for this. Instead, I wrote about this experience in this forum for women, and the questions kept rolling in. As the days have [...]

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Sunday Funnies: Husbands & Dinner

July 13, 2014

Super Nanny keeps things running smoothly around here. With her help, it’s all very Pleasantville. But sometimes I’ll send her home early if I’ve worked late the night before. This is how my husband reacts on the “send-Super-Nanny-home-early” days: His confusion is adorable. Is this how your husband reacts to lack of dinner?

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Everything fell into place. #GirlPower

June 6, 2014

I’m not selling cars anymore. I know, shocking. I was really good at it, and I enjoyed it, but something just wasn’t right inside of me. I was unsettled. I felt like something was calling me. Probably the aliens (but Shaun says I am not allowed to talk about my alien conspiracy theories online – [...]

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#CampThrowback (also known as: #WTF have I agreed to?)

May 29, 2014

I’m so agreeable when it comes to Brittany Gibbons. Seriously. This woman should sell cars. BRITTANY: Hey, I am hosting this social media camp thingy, and I want you to be a camp counselor. ME: Cool! What sessions do you want me to teach? BRITTANY: Well, it’s more like a non-conference that’s four days, where [...]

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