Most Likely To #Secede?

by Meredith on April 12, 2015

We drove from Toledo, Ohio to Sanibel Island, Florida this week.

It was the best vacation ever. Exactly what we needed. Thank you, Florida! As always, you were very hospitable.

Anyway, this post isn’t about seeing dolphins, the best seafood restaurants, or giant seashells.

This post is about a particular billboard we passed along the way:

secede south

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

(That’s the sound of me laughing out loud.)

(I actually hate typing “LOL” because I feel like it’s a lie. No one LOLs as often as they type it. Maybe you gave a little half-smile-that-others-can-see, which should be shortened to HSTOCS. I prefer to write, “Hahaha!”. But it felt right in this case, since I literally laughed out loud.)

You guys. This isn’t really a “thing”, is it?

This has to be some small group of backwoods rednecks, who didn’t get the memo. It certainly cannot be reflective of how people living in The South actually feel. It just can’t be, right?

Because I have news for you, that pesky War of Northern Aggression ended a long time ago. And guess what, we’re going to go ahead and stick together as The United States of America.

After I saw this billboard, I began to notice that there are Confederate flags flying along I-75. Yes, I saw some American flags, but I was alarmed to see how many Confederate flags flew. And they flew without an American flag. 

My immediate thought was, “Holy Toledo! They really do want out.”

Editor’s Note: I wasn’t sure if I should capitalize the F in “flag” with the word Confederate. Is this a proper noun? I searched Google. The first result came from North Carolina State University’s Writing Lab. Apparently, I am not the only one unsure about how proper to be in this instance. What I discovered is the Associated Press doesn’t capitalize the F. But I can capitalize it if I am making a political statement. According to NCSU’s Writing Lab, “In this case, that honorary status would place the Confederate Battle Flag over the American flag in importance.” I think I will just stick with the Associated Press rules on the matter, because that is about to be my point.

Continuing on… I was shocked. My husband was shocked. We don’t see stuff like that up here. Giant billboards that say, “#GTFOSouth!” just don’t exist.

Why? Because we love The South. We love to vacation in your paradise. We love your adorable accents (you just seem like a nicer human when you have a Southern Drawl). We love your food and sweet tea. You have the best manners. And we super love your big hair.

So I’m giving the Confederate flag a pass. I am just going to assume, for the sake of this article, that you are just proud to be from The South.

Let’s talk about those darn billboards. 

What the actual eff?

(I read this to my dad, and he asked me to remove all cuss words. He said he raised me with a better vocabulary than that. So I refuse to say “fuck”.)

(Shit. I said it on accident so you would know why I said “eff” instead today.)

(I mean, “crap”. Not “shit”. Crap.)

(Sorry, Dad.)

I did a little research on leagueofthesouth.com. Let me assure you, these guys are racists. Uncool.

They’re a tiny group of people hiding behind freedom of speech and their religious views to spew hate, and they wrap it up in nice little sayings about how the government has too much control – so they want out.

I fully believe in the First Amendment. It’s awesome. Say whatever you want. But just because you can say whatever you want to say, it doesn’t mean that someone like me shouldn’t point out (with my First Amendment rights) that you’re being giant douche bags with your billboards.

What happened to being proud to be an American?

Okay, so they are a small group of collective idiots. Fine. So why even talk about this billboard?

Because.

Because for being the land of the free and the home of the brave, we certainly haven’t been very free or brave lately when it comes to accepting one another as Americans.

This isn’t an exclusive southern “thing”. We collectively suck as a country lately. 

North vs. South isn’t even a real issue (which is why the billboard is so funny – I give all of you permission to LOL if you ever drive by one of them).

Read: You’re stuck with the rest of THE United States of America, League of the South. #SorryNotSorry #LetsBeFriends

Mainstream media makes us this way. 

They show us what they want us to see. We seem forced into these extreme political party boxes by Fox News, MSNBC, and CNN.

I would say most of us aren’t overwhelmingly left or right politically. I would say most of us are somewhere in the middle. The majority of us have lots of small and unique political, social, and personal issues all over the board, that develop into huge political issues.

This is what I mean by that; It’s pretty well known that I support gay guys eating catered pizzas and cakes at their weddings. Knowing this, you probably assume that I’m some extreme political leftist, with an “agenda” (we like to use the word “agenda”, as if we are all hiding our true intentions somewhere), who maybe isn’t a very good Christian.

You’re wrong! Why would you think that? Because this one social issue threw me into a political party in your brain?

I actually believe in: Flat taxes, ending the war on drugs, I LOVE me some Jesus, I own a gun, I don’t support healthcare reform as it is, global warming is at the top of my anxiety list, I think it’s cool that our money says “In God We Trust”, government spending is out of control, and not that it’s any of your business, but I did not vote for President Obama.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t respect our President, our country, your religious beliefs, your political views, and generally nice people.

OF COURSE we will have political differences. Does that make either of us right or wrong? YES! We both get to be special snowflakes, who are always right about everything, as long as we aren’t acting like tyrants.

When you act like a tyrant about someone’s beliefs, skin color, living in The North, or sexual orientation (to name a few issues), just make your beliefs seem more valid, you don’t make a very good point, and people tune you out. Pretty much everyone is like that, by the way. Being a tyrant is the worst recruiting method ever. For example, memes of Sarah Palin, riding on a dinosaur, holding The Bible, saying Christians don’t understand how science works? It shuts me down. You just bashed my religious beliefs to make yourself feel better. It feels… billboard-y.

Editors Note: In no way am I saying I suffer from any sort of religious persecution. I’m just saying it isn’t nice, and it makes me not like you because you made fun of the core of my beliefs. I find it totally silly when American Christians say they struggle to practice their religion (*ahem* like the white people over at the League of the South – they basically hit the lottery as far as American demographics go – yet they want to leave). Let’s all LOL together about that. 

We don’t even need giant billboards to display our hatred. Lots of Americans wear ugliness around like badges of honor every single day. It’s our First Amendment right, after all. 

We’re really divided over a bunch of things right now as a nation. Indiana pizza shops? Divided. Ferguson? Divided.

We’ve been acting like morons.

It’s childish to morph into a bunch of separate hate groups. And that is what I see happening all over our country. We HATE people who are different.

Look at your Facebook News Feed. It’ll take you a maximum of five minutes to find someone who is in some kind of ridiculous American political turmoil.

You don’t think just like me? Let me call you some names, and say something that makes me look like a total bigot. I won’t even realize what an asshole I look like to the people I’m offending. WHEEEEE! 

Pull yourselves together, Americans. Your slip is showing starting to #secede…

l

And we can all agree it’s a little tacky.

{ 26 comments }

Before we even get started, we might as well get this out of the way, I totally understand that you, the best MLM Sales Consultant ever, are going to disagree with me. I understand that this is going to upset you. I understand that you will rage in the comment section.

But hey, the truth hurts.

This post isn’t to bash you, it’s just to let you know that the shit you’re doing to market your body wraps, mascara, workout videos, nutritional meal supplements, or nails… well, it’s not working as well as it could be for you. In fact, most of us are super annoyed by your sales tactics.

I’m here to help. Because sometimes we have to take a good hard look in that mirror, and say to ourselves, “This girl Meredith, who I currently think is a total bitch, is actually kind of right, and maybe I should try something different.”

Annoyance #1: Market Saturation 

I know everyone is trying to make millions selling Younique mascara. But listen, you’re going to run out of customers.

Everyone will either try it, and decide they don’t like spending $30 on mascara, or they will buy it from someone else.

You see, this is how MLM marketing works. You have to constantly recruit people to work under you. And then those people have to sell. And you have to sell. And pretty soon, everyone on the planet is selling Younique mascara or sick of hearing about Younique mascara.

My advice? Get in at the start-up of an MLM company. Don’t get in once we are all already annoyed by it. It’s too late for you in the mascara game if you’re thinking of joining now.

Or just sell drugs. Even if the market is saturated, people are truly addicted to your product.

Annoyance #2: Your Product Kind of Sucks & People Pay To Get In

I actually got sucked into the It Works scheme at one point in time. I wanted them to work so badly that I bought the starter sales kit. 20 wraps to start. I also had to make a monthly order. I feel like it was $99 to get started, with a monthly order of $50 per month. Who knows… this was years ago.

If they worked, I was going to sell them to my friends. I would hustle them on my blog. I would be rich! It Works people told me so!

They didn’t work.

I am still totally fat.

So I never hustled them to my friends. I gave them all away for free. But we did wrap our faces in them to try to get rid of our double chins (this also didn’t work – yes, we drank water the whole time).

itworks doesnt workI forgot to turn off the auto-ship thingy.

So besides the 20 body wraps, I was also stuck with a few months of eye cream being shipped to me. You know… so I could call myself an official It Works Sales Consultant. Or Fitness Coach. Or whatever the hell the title was.

Honestly, I think the sales people are probably funding most of these companies. That’s why constant recruitment is so important to those at the top.

Think about it.

You shouldn’t have to pay for a job. Jess Elain is one pyramid short of being an Egyptian. Enough is enough.

Annoyance #3: You Don’t Seem To Understand My Lack Of Interest 

My standard response to anyone selling Jamberry-nail-stickers-nail-polish stuff is this picture of my hand:

jamberry doesnt work for meI keep this picture in my phone. Clearly this says, “Your product means nothing to my nubs.”

Most Jamberry Nail Consultants laugh when I send it. But sometimes… they say weird things back to me like, “You should get your nails done and try Jamberry! I’ll sell you $500 worth of nail stickers, and you can take them with you to the nail salon!”

Guuuuurl… if I gave a crap about the appearance of my hands, do you think I would allow them look like this?

Annoyance #4: Stop Blowing Up My In-Box

Here’s the backstory… she really wanted me to host an online Younique mascara party. She was hammering my in-box. I finally just used the excuse that I work in social media, and I am under contracts with my clients on who I represent. So no, and online party would never work for me. Which? Is true. I am in strict contracts.

But look, I was totally on to her. I don’t know how many ways I can tell you that I am not going to hustle your fucking mascara. Even if you pay me.

10369113_898622563488742_9170423213260111956_n

It’s FUCKING RUDE that you would ask what I charge as I am denying you. I don’t know you from Adam. You don’t get access to my fee structure. Your “bigtime businessman” husband can tell you that’s not how the grown-ups do business.

And who says things like “bigtime businessman”? I feel like you’re 13-years-old and talking to me about how your dad can beat up my dad.

This whole relationship you’re trying to build with me is really bizarre. We can all agree on that.

Aaaaaaaaaand blocked.

Annoyance #5: Stop Adding Me To Your Super Secret Facebook Groups Where You Just Try To Sell Me Your Shit

You guys. We are totally on to you!

I leave the group, you put me back in, I leave again, you throw me back in.

I do not care about your essential oils!  I give my kids Tylenol when they are in pain like a normal human parent. Stop making me read about your freaking oil usage in your stupid group!

My girl, Jessica Merrell, has the perfect solution for all us who keep getting thrown into these groups:

_14__The_Social_Media_Support_Group

Thanks, Jessica!

Annoyance #6: I Am Not A Good Fitness Coach Candidate. Stop telling me lies, liar. 

HAAAAAAAAAAA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! Hahahahahaha! HA! Ha.

Stop it.

You know, and I know, that this is a lie.

Call it what it is, you want me to sell stuff underneath you and make money off of me.

Annoyance #7: Your Facebook Profile Is All Around Annoying. 

All you ever talk about are these damn shakes.

peach-raspberry-blast

So I hid you from my newsfeed.

This picture is clearly some corporate Beachbody crap. Five people have shared it in my newsfeed today. Do you all sell to the same woman? Doubtful.

lg-annette-m

So I hid you from my newsfeed.

I’ll bet you’re getting hid from people’s newsfeeds more than you realize. Ask yourself this, “Are the only people who like this my mother and other people who sell this stuff?”

You can tell you’re being annoying based on the number of people who interact with you, who aren’t your mom.

Make an actual Facebook business page if all you’re doing is using Facebook to sell your product. You are acting as as business. So be one.

I know no one sees your stuff on your business page. You have to pay for it to be seen… by boosting your posts. But guess what? You can target those boosts to people who are on diets. They would actually buy your stuff. Thus making you money. Spend a little money, make a little money. And why should every other business on the planet have to pay Facebook to be seen in the newsfeed, except for yours? Screw you. Your business isn’t anymore special than mine.

Make a business page. Act like an actual business, since you’re so serious about it.

I talked to other marketing pros about you. The conversation went like this:

Erin: Posts that were clearly written by the corporate office. Personality is a huge part of MLM success. I counted no less than seven posts by non business pages today. Three from the same person. Two from the same MLM company.

Lauren: The constant…”If you invest just…$34 (which is actually $134) you can enjoy the product yourself AND make money! What’s not to lose?” Or maybe the “I have a trial pack for just $39.99 for a 3 day. No it wont make you lose weight but it will make you feel better and that means your a perfect candidate for losing weight when you spend $89.99 for the 1 month pack.”

Dee: An acquaintance of mine just started selling Jamberry. No joke I ran into her at a local coffee shop over the weekend. She whipped out a whole bunch of them & tried to sell me. Sorry I need my latte before I can deal with that. There’s a reason I usually go through the drive thru.

Mandy: Don’t automatically add me to groups, and don’t interrupt my conversations about grown up manicures with your sticker talk. Can you refer to me as “Mandy Jamberry-Younique-Fish” in your post?

Meredith: Yes, your new maiden name is Younique. It’s like you were born to sell this.

Rachel:  ”Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s May Younique Lashes.”

***

See? That’s what we say behind your back.

This post got a little long. I think we can stop here today. I’ll give you actual advice on how to sell things using social media another day. But at least you know what not to do… starting today.

Sorry if that stung a little bit.

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