Before we even get started, we might as well get this out of the way, I totally understand that you, the best MLM Sales Consultant ever, are going to disagree with me. I understand that this is going to upset you. I understand that you will rage in the comment section.

But hey, the truth hurts.

This post isn’t to bash you, it’s just to let you know that the shit you’re doing to market your body wraps, mascara, workout videos, nutritional meal supplements, or nails… well, it’s not working as well as it could be for you. In fact, most of us are super annoyed by your sales tactics.

I’m here to help. Because sometimes we have to take a good hard look in that mirror, and say to ourselves, “This girl Meredith, who I currently think is a total bitch, is actually kind of right, and maybe I should try something different.”

Annoyance #1: Market Saturation 

I know everyone is trying to make millions selling Younique mascara. But listen, you’re going to run out of customers.

Everyone will either try it, and decide they don’t like spending $30 on mascara, or they will buy it from someone else.

You see, this is how MLM marketing works. You have to constantly recruit people to work under you. And then those people have to sell. And you have to sell. And pretty soon, everyone on the planet is selling Younique mascara or sick of hearing about Younique mascara.

My advice? Get in at the start-up of an MLM company. Don’t get in once we are all already annoyed by it. It’s too late for you in the mascara game if you’re thinking of joining now.

Or just sell drugs. Even if the market is saturated, people are truly addicted to your product.

Annoyance #2: Your Product Kind of Sucks & People Pay To Get In

I actually got sucked into the It Works scheme at one point in time. I wanted them to work so badly that I bought the starter sales kit. 20 wraps to start. I also had to make a monthly order. I feel like it was $99 to get started, with a monthly order of $50 per month. Who knows… this was years ago.

If they worked, I was going to sell them to my friends. I would hustle them on my blog. I would be rich! It Works people told me so!

They didn’t work.

I am still totally fat.

So I never hustled them to my friends. I gave them all away for free. But we did wrap our faces in them to try to get rid of our double chins (this also didn’t work – yes, we drank water the whole time).

itworks doesnt workI forgot to turn off the auto-ship thingy.

So besides the 20 body wraps, I was also stuck with a few months of eye cream being shipped to me. You know… so I could call myself an official It Works Sales Consultant. Or Fitness Coach. Or whatever the hell the title was.

Honestly, I think the sales people are probably funding most of these companies. That’s why constant recruitment is so important to those at the top.

Think about it.

You shouldn’t have to pay for a job. Jess Elain is one pyramid short of being an Egyptian. Enough is enough.

Annoyance #3: You Don’t Seem To Understand My Lack Of Interest 

My standard response to anyone selling Jamberry-nail-stickers-nail-polish stuff is this picture of my hand:

jamberry doesnt work for meI keep this picture in my phone. Clearly this says, “Your product means nothing to my nubs.”

Most Jamberry Nail Consultants laugh when I send it. But sometimes… they say weird things back to me like, “You should get your nails done and try Jamberry! I’ll sell you $500 worth of nail stickers, and you can take them with you to the nail salon!”

Guuuuurl… if I gave a crap about the appearance of my hands, do you think I would allow them look like this?

Annoyance #4: Stop Blowing Up My In-Box

Here’s the backstory… she really wanted me to host an online Younique mascara party. She was hammering my in-box. I finally just used the excuse that I work in social media, and I am under contracts with my clients on who I represent. So no, and online party would never work for me. Which? Is true. I am in strict contracts.

But look, I was totally on to her. I don’t know how many ways I can tell you that I am not going to hustle your fucking mascara. Even if you pay me.

10369113_898622563488742_9170423213260111956_n

It’s FUCKING RUDE that you would ask what I charge as I am denying you. I don’t know you from Adam. You don’t get access to my fee structure. Your “bigtime businessman” husband can tell you that’s not how the grown-ups do business.

And who says things like “bigtime businessman”? I feel like you’re 13-years-old and talking to me about how your dad can beat up my dad.

This whole relationship you’re trying to build with me is really bizarre. We can all agree on that.

Aaaaaaaaaand blocked.

Annoyance #5: Stop Adding Me To Your Super Secret Facebook Groups Where You Just Try To Sell Me Your Shit

You guys. We are totally on to you!

I leave the group, you put me back in, I leave again, you throw me back in.

I do not care about your essential oils!  I give my kids Tylenol when they are in pain like a normal human parent. Stop making me read about your freaking oil usage in your stupid group!

My girl, Jessica Merrell, has the perfect solution for all us who keep getting thrown into these groups:

_14__The_Social_Media_Support_Group

Thanks, Jessica!

Annoyance #6: I Am Not A Good Fitness Coach Candidate. Stop telling me lies, liar. 

HAAAAAAAAAAA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! Hahahahahaha! HA! Ha.

Stop it.

You know, and I know, that this is a lie.

Call it what it is, you want me to sell stuff underneath you and make money off of me.

Annoyance #7: Your Facebook Profile Is All Around Annoying. 

All you ever talk about are these damn shakes.

peach-raspberry-blast

So I hid you from my newsfeed.

This picture is clearly some corporate Beachbody crap. Five people have shared it in my newsfeed today. Do you all sell to the same woman? Doubtful.

lg-annette-m

So I hid you from my newsfeed.

I’ll bet you’re getting hid from people’s newsfeeds more than you realize. Ask yourself this, “Are the only people who like this my mother and other people who sell this stuff?”

You can tell you’re being annoying based on the number of people who interact with you, who aren’t your mom.

Make an actual Facebook business page if all you’re doing is using Facebook to sell your product. You are acting as as business. So be one.

I know no one sees your stuff on your business page. You have to pay for it to be seen… by boosting your posts. But guess what? You can target those boosts to people who are on diets. They would actually buy your stuff. Thus making you money. Spend a little money, make a little money. And why should every other business on the planet have to pay Facebook to be seen in the newsfeed, except for yours? Screw you. Your business isn’t anymore special than mine.

Make a business page. Act like an actual business, since you’re so serious about it.

I talked to other marketing pros about you. The conversation went like this:

Erin: Posts that were clearly written by the corporate office. Personality is a huge part of MLM success. I counted no less than seven posts by non business pages today. Three from the same person. Two from the same MLM company.

Lauren: The constant…”If you invest just…$34 (which is actually $134) you can enjoy the product yourself AND make money! What’s not to lose?” Or maybe the “I have a trial pack for just $39.99 for a 3 day. No it wont make you lose weight but it will make you feel better and that means your a perfect candidate for losing weight when you spend $89.99 for the 1 month pack.”

Dee: An acquaintance of mine just started selling Jamberry. No joke I ran into her at a local coffee shop over the weekend. She whipped out a whole bunch of them & tried to sell me. Sorry I need my latte before I can deal with that. There’s a reason I usually go through the drive thru.

Mandy: Don’t automatically add me to groups, and don’t interrupt my conversations about grown up manicures with your sticker talk. Can you refer to me as “Mandy Jamberry-Younique-Fish” in your post?

Meredith: Yes, your new maiden name is Younique. It’s like you were born to sell this.

Rachel:  ”Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s May Younique Lashes.”

***

See? That’s what we say behind your back.

This post got a little long. I think we can stop here today. I’ll give you actual advice on how to sell things using social media another day. But at least you know what not to do… starting today.

Sorry if that stung a little bit.

{ 10 comments }

Just say no.

by Meredith on December 16, 2014

I’ve been doing this weirdly gratifying experiment. I’ve been telling people no whenever I don’t want to do something.

In fact, I think I’m starting to get off on telling people no. I’m obsessed!

Probably because I’ve spent so many years doing everything for others, that it finally feels right to be doing things for myself. I should have done this long ago.

You’ve really got to try it. So to help you, I’m giving you my most popular forms of rejection.

You’re welcome in advance.

Photograph_of_Mrs._Reagan_speaking_at_a_-Just_Say_No-_Rally_in_Los_Angeles_-_NARA_-_198584

1. This just isn’t a good fit for me. I don’t like it. 

Say this whenever something isn’t a good fit for you, and you just don’t like it.

The TV show was a bad fit for me. I didn’t enjoy it. It made me uncomfortable. It felt like a very demanding hobby. So I quit. I don’t even feel bad about it.

Ladies, I see so many of you keep men around for too long. Tell them they aren’t right for you and you don’t like them. Just be upfront, or you could be missing out on someone really great for you!

It’s okay to throw in the towel sometimes.

2. I don’t have time.

I turn down work like crazy. I just don’t have the time to do it.

There’s no sense in committing to something that you’re going to half ass, or worse, never even start working on it.

I’ve learned this lesson the hard way.

3. No. You’re not going to fuck me. Fuck you.

Sometimes you just have to tell folks to “fuck off”. If you don’t, they’ll keep messing with you.

And you don’t necessarily need to cuss to get this point across. What you can say is, “You’re being super stupid.” And then you make them feel super stupid for being so stupid.

I can give you, like, 80 examples of when to use this, but we don’t have all day. So here are just a few examples:

1. When someone owes you money: You may have to call your attorney for this – he probably is really good at “fuck you”.

2. When someone gets aggressive with you or your buddies: “Whoa! Are you getting loud with me? You’re being super stupid.”

3. When someone has been talking about you in a bad way: “Bye, Felicia.”

Don’t put up with this kind of garbage, folks.

4. I don’t know how, and I don’t want to learn.

You have to add the second part. People try to tell me they will teach me how to do things all the time. No. I don’t know how, and I don’t want to learn.

This is why I still don’t know how to send something via FedEx. I knew if I committed to learning how to fill out shipment forms, I would become the go-to FedEx girl for the office. So I never learned. I just didn’t want to deal with it.

5. You’ll be fine. You can totally handle it all by yourself.

Sometimes people just want you to do their work for them.

No! Tell them to do their own work!

6. Maybe you should try this other thing instead, and I will handle my business without you. 

People want what you’ve got. Especially if you open your own company and people get the impression that all you do for a living is play around on Facebook all day long.

These people clearly don’t understand that you have spent years perfecting your craft, and that you’re actually an expert in this space. So they should just stick with what they know. And you should just stick with what you know.

I like fashion. It doesn’t mean I should design clothes. Same goes for most people and any sort of digital media marketing. So I’ll do this job. And you keep doing your job. Unless you’re looking to become my assistant. Then I will teach you.

So no, I don’t want to teach you how to open your own agency, doing exactly what I do at my agency. #SorryNotSorry

7. If I take on one more project, my family will kill me.

If you don’t want to do something, this is the perfect excuse. Who can argue with family time? No one. That’s who.

Sorry, PTA.

8. Stop hounding me. I am never going to do this thing.

People don’t like rejection. So typically, they go away.

But every once in awhile, you run into someone who direct sells body wraps,  mascara, or meal supplements. These people don’t understand the word “no”. They are taught to “overcome rejection”.

You have to tell them straight up that you have zero desire in ever becoming “fitness coach”, even if it means you are missing out on six figures a year.

9. Drop off the face of the planet.

I hate to admit it, but sometimes I just disappear. I am no longer on your radar.

I stop taking your calls, I won’t open your emails, I have maybe even unfriended you on Facebook.

I just want you gone. In a quiet way.

Totally works. And I no longer feel angsty whenever I see your name.

10. Just say no.

Because oftentimes, we don’t owe anyone an explanation for our decisions. Why do we feel obligated to make excuses? Just say no. Don’t even apologize after you say it.

Will you try it? Will you just say no?

 

{ 10 comments }

Meredith’s Drunk Book Club: The Missing Something Club Review

December 8, 2014

They gave me a list of questions to discuss with you guys. I’m throwing the list out the window. I want to explore the deeper meaning of this book. Because even if you didn’t read a single page, the deeper meaning really is something worth something talking about in any relationship and with yourself. If [...]

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Meredith’s Drunk Book Club: The Missing Something Club by William Haylon

November 24, 2014

You guys! This is so much fun! Remember when I went on that dreadful talk show, hosted by that bitch, Katie Couric? Well, I made friends while I was there. Because, you know, when you decide to take down that bitch Katie Couric, you should probably form an army. Of course, I made friends with [...]

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Anxiety. The struggle is real… Alternate title: A Dozen Little Known Ways You Can Die

October 15, 2014

I guess I have anxiety. Living with anxiety seems fun and awesome. Especially since I have ADHD and my overactive brain is always on, only now it’s thinking about worst case scenarios. For example, I think the world will come to an end in our lifetime. I think about it obsessively, but I have always worried [...]

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The 15 Best Things About Working From Home

October 7, 2014

Theresa Lollis and I were chatting about all of the reasons why working from home is awesome. The conversation took place partly to keep up moral from our home offices (because it kind of does suck when you talk to your dog more than actual people some days) and partly out of truth (because some things [...]

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Leggings Are Not Pants

September 16, 2014

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 2,567 times. Leggings are not pants. I was hoping I would stop seeing this trend. But instead, I see more camel toe than I can stand on a daily basis. I see it at the grocery store, I see it at the bars, heck I even see [...]

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Takedown Culture

September 4, 2014

I’ve noticed something very disturbing in the past few years, and it just keeps getting worse. Social media has developed this nasty place of taking each other down. We love nothing more than to see a thread of comments, 152 deep, where people are ripping each other apart and being nasty. And when we show [...]

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#VoicemailsAreDumbStopLeavingThem

August 21, 2014

I don’t normally look this stressed out, but when I do, it’s because I have 1,383 unheard voicemail messages. No, for real, I am going to prove it to you: Stop it with the voicemails. I know I can’t be alone on this. #VoicemailsAreDumbStopLeavingThem

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Sex every single day? #GTFO.

August 18, 2014

Shaun: “Huh. Yet another woman is on the news who had sex every single day with her husband.” Me: “I call BS. And why is this even newsworthy? I’ll tell you why – because it’s unreal.” Shaun: “I want sex every single day.” Me: “Good luck with that.” There seems to be this new trend. Sex [...]

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