You Park Like An Asshole & Other Neighborly Causes

by Meredith on January 28, 2016

I could have spent today working on 1099s. I could have spent today getting a pitch done for tomorrow. But no. I spent today fighting for the cause.

YOU. ARE. WELCOME. NEIGHBORS.

I spent a significant amount of time making this diagram to show you guys how fucked up shit is in my neighborhood.

you park like an assholeI’m the silver SUV. I don’t have a stop sign. I’m turning right onto the other street.

The STUPID blue car is parked right near the intersection. So you have to hang out in the intersection to make sure people at the stop sign see you.

The red cars are oncoming traffic. They have the biggest problem, which is – THOSE FUCKING PICKUP TRUCKS.

Who parks in an intersection? Those pickup trucks, that’s who. And the blue car? He’s really no better. Traffic gets all clogged up and we almost have accidents errrr’y damn morning before work and errrr’y damn night after work, since we’re all trying to share one lane.

Anyway, we have a neighborhood Facebook group. My husband and I have been saying for some time that we should mention it in the group to see if we could solve this parking problem.

I AM GOING TO POST ABOUT THESE ASSHOLES WHO CAN’T PARK IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD GROUP! ONE OF THESE DAYS! ONE OF THESE DAYS!

*shakes fist in the air*

Today was that day. asshole parking 1

Wow! 15 likes! That’s unheard of in the sleepy neighborhood Facebook group! I clearly finally said what they’ve all been wanting to say. My confidence was soaring.

And then comments of support began rolling in.

asshole parking 2

There were 15 more comments just like it. Finally! Someone shed light on the asshole parkers! And it was me! The neighborhood hero! You guys – obviously, I should run for office.

The next thing I knew, a police officer (who also lives in our neighborhood) started chiming in. My neighbors-who-suck cause was getting so much attention!

asshole parking 3

SQUEE! It’s illegal! It’s totally illegal! I’m a crime stopper, ladies and gentleman!

I had the world by its balls.

Until… *sigh*… the guy with the three trucks saw the post and chimed in.

asshole4

The nerve! Can you believe how condescending he was being towards me? I bet he wouldn’t talk to a man like this!

Pick a battle? I ALREADY DID, PAL! THIS IS IT! SPARTA!!!

But I held my shit together, and I said:asshole5-1

Really, neighbors? One measly “like”? When the Asshole Parker shows up, you all back down? Come on!

And then… it went from bad to worse.

The policeman chimed back in.

asshole parker 6

So let me get this straight. He was all about passing out tickets, and now he’s backed off because Asshole Parker said no one has been in an accident?

That’s like saying you can drink and drive because you’ve never been caught.

Also? He drove over there at 2pm. There’s a difference between 2pm traffic and 6pm traffic. Duh.

I was absolutely fuming. FUMING. So I did what I always do when I’m fuming. I blew up Shaun’s phone with text messages.

shaun cell assholes

He was busy (working or something). So I had to give the policeman my .02 (which is a fraction of penny) sarcastic cents all by myself.

asshole parker 6 (1)

As soon as I left the comment I felt the fear. What had I done? Did I just get mouthy with an Officer of the Law?

giphy (4)

Screw it. I was fighting for the cause. A revolution was coming to this neighborhood. And revolutionary people take risks and don’t back down.

But secretly, inside I was feeling so defeated by Asshole Parker and the neighborhood policeman. Until this happened:

asshole parker 8

He told them! #BestHusbandEver

giphy (5)

When I came home tonight, the trucks weren’t parked in the intersection anymore. They were parked in the driveway. Which ISN’T THAT WHERE THEY SHOULD ALWAYS BE PARKED?!

A small victory happened in the hood today, folks. A small victory.

Mark this down as “How The Soleaus Were Kicked Out Of The Neighborhood Facebook Group”. Because I’m sure it’s coming. And my house will probably get toilet papered and egged tonight.

But I’ll sleep like a baby. Because I WON.

{ 10 comments }

Keyboard Warriors, Friend Counts, & The Experiment

by Meredith on December 14, 2015

I’m six months into a one-year study on keyboard warriors.

Keyboard warriors (informal noun): People who make abusive or unnecessarily aggressive and comments on Facebook statuses. They tend to leave bad reviews, sometimes for a business service they’ve never used. Oftentimes, keyboard warriors can be found in their natural habitat of their mother’s basement,  furiously typing. 

kermit typing gif

I made a spreadsheet and everything, folks – this makes it super official.

Hypothesis:

  • People who leave crappy comments on Facebook, have a less than average number of Facebook friends (as of today, the average Facebook user has 338 friends).

Information Tracked:

  • Negative comments on Facebook posts created by businesses
  • People who leave negative reviews for a business
  • Negative comments on highly shared Facebook posts
  • Negative comments on news stories
  • Comments that resort to name calling

Calculations: 

  • If someone has less than 338 friends, I put a check in the “No One Likes You” column.
  • If someone has more than 338 friends, I put a check in the “It’s Weird That People Like You” column.
  • If I cannot tell how many friends someone has, they don’t make the cut.

Experimenter Bias Controls: 

I am not tracking nasty comments from anyone I know. I feel that my personal feelings about a person could cause experimenter bias.

I am only tracking comments on posts associated with Facebook for Business pages. I never track someone who leaves a comment on the status update of a regular person. That seems too personal for this particular experiment.

A Few Recent Examples:

December 8, 2015: A child is deaf, and Santa speaks to her in sign language. Watch this if you haven’t yet. It’s really sweet.

Negative comment:

nasty comment experiment

Friend count: 170

December 11, 2015: A local photographer took an aerial shot of the Lights Before Christmas at the Toledo Zoo. Nothing controversial to see here…

_10__Why_I_love_Toledo_

Negative comment:

_10__Why_I_love_Toledo_ 2

Friend count: 263

December 11, 2015: Honda posts a gif of a Civic coming out of an igloo.

_13__Honda_-_A_winter_palace_fit_for_a_Civic_

Negative comment:

_14__Honda_-_A_winter_palace_fit_for_a_Civic_

Friend count: Below average at 141

December 14, 2015: Pope Francis takes a selfie.

pope selfie

Negative comment:

pope comment

Friend count: 329

I have 191 entries logged so far. 173 of these keyboard warriors have less than 338 friends. Which means my hypothesis is proving itself correct.

I’m still debating on the reasoning behind the number of friends and nastiness. Do they have less posts to see on Facebook due to a lack of friends, so they lash out in a negative way? Are they lonely? Or are they simply angry assholes who don’t get many friend requests?

What do you think? Why is there such a strong correlation between friend count and troll tendencies?

Why you mad, bro?

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Meredith’s Drunk Book Club: Troublemaker by Leah Remini

December 10, 2015

If you haven’t read Leah Remini’s “Troublemaker” yet – do it. It’s AMAZING. I listened to the audiobook, which I highly recommend. Her humor and sarcasm shine through with her thick New York accent. Before we get going on this, you should know that I’ve been obsessed with Scientology since 2012. My husband is probably sick of […]

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My Morning With Opal Covey. #OpalForMayor

October 31, 2015

Ok, so let’s discuss my involvement with Toledo Mayoral candidate, Opal Covey.  Opal Covey was going viral on the internet. Like many Toledoans Americans, I quickly became obsessed. I couldn’t get enough of her. My friends (and even my husband) were saying, “She doesn’t have an online presence! You should help her!” People who work in social […]

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The Bad Friend

October 20, 2015

Something like this recently rolled through my Facebook timeline: When do you stop inviting that friend who never shows up to things? The comments on that post went something like this: Three times and then I take it as a hint our friendship is over. I used to have a friend like that. She’s dead to me. […]

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One girl. One cup.

September 28, 2015

I can’t do it anymore. I’m throwing in the towel. Or rather… the toilet paper. Every morning I’ve been starting my day with a shake from Shakeology. I finally got the recipe to where it was manageable. Lots of ice, a scoop of chocolate powder, a dab of milk, and a tablespoon of peanut butter. But […]

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Idiocracy

September 16, 2015

Do you ever think, “Dammit. Is there something I’m missing, or am I the smartest human alive?” Samesies. All political debates with men talking about women have me like: #SorryNotSorry #MyUterusDespisesYou #78CentsOnYourDollar #IsTheJokeOnUs? Kindest Regards, Meredith

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Meredith’s Non-Diet Diet Quest

September 10, 2015

You guys, I am getting fat(ter). Here’s the thing, I LOATHE starving myself and sweating. I’m a happy eater, who has been living a pretty fantastic life this past year. And I’m very busy, like most moms. I want the magic bullet. I once took Adipex for 6 months. It was a magic bullet. I very […]

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Working mother guilt? I have zero.

June 24, 2015

Women always ask me this cringe worthy question: So… Where are your kids right now? Who is watching them? Sometimes it’s packaged differently. Like: I don’t know how you do it. How do you juggle owning a company and spend time with your family?  Or: Your husband must be a saint. Does he mind that […]

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The Last Day

June 12, 2015

Hey Kendra, It’s Friday morning, and you’re probably reading this before your LAST RADIATION TREATMENT! But I’m actually writing this in the middle of the night, last night. It’s about 1:00am. I should be sleeping, but fuck it. I really want to tell you something, and I can’t sleep until I get this off my chest. […]

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