I could have spent today working on 1099s. I could have spent today getting a pitch done for tomorrow. But no. I spent today fighting for the cause.
YOU. ARE. WELCOME. NEIGHBORS.
I spent a significant amount of time making this diagram to show you guys how fucked up shit is in my neighborhood.
The STUPID blue car is parked right near the intersection. So you have to hang out in the intersection to make sure people at the stop sign see you.
The red cars are oncoming traffic. They have the biggest problem, which is – THOSE FUCKING PICKUP TRUCKS.
Who parks in an intersection? Those pickup trucks, that’s who. And the blue car? He’s really no better. Traffic gets all clogged up and we almost have accidents errrr’y damn morning before work and errrr’y damn night after work, since we’re all trying to share one lane.
Anyway, we have a neighborhood Facebook group. My husband and I have been saying for some time that we should mention it in the group to see if we could solve this parking problem.
I AM GOING TO POST ABOUT THESE ASSHOLES WHO CAN’T PARK IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD GROUP! ONE OF THESE DAYS! ONE OF THESE DAYS!
*shakes fist in the air*
Wow! 15 likes! That’s unheard of in the sleepy neighborhood Facebook group! I clearly finally said what they’ve all been wanting to say. My confidence was soaring.
And then comments of support began rolling in.
There were 15 more comments just like it. Finally! Someone shed light on the asshole parkers! And it was me! The neighborhood hero! You guys – obviously, I should run for office.
The next thing I knew, a police officer (who also lives in our neighborhood) started chiming in. My neighbors-who-suck cause was getting so much attention!
SQUEE! It’s illegal! It’s totally illegal! I’m a crime stopper, ladies and gentleman!
I had the world by its balls.
Until… *sigh*… the guy with the three trucks saw the post and chimed in.
The nerve! Can you believe how condescending he was being towards me? I bet he wouldn’t talk to a man like this!
Pick a battle? I ALREADY DID, PAL! THIS IS IT! SPARTA!!!
Really, neighbors? One measly “like”? When the Asshole Parker shows up, you all back down? Come on!
And then… it went from bad to worse.
The policeman chimed back in.
So let me get this straight. He was all about passing out tickets, and now he’s backed off because Asshole Parker said no one has been in an accident?
That’s like saying you can drink and drive because you’ve never been caught.
Also? He drove over there at 2pm. There’s a difference between 2pm traffic and 6pm traffic. Duh.
I was absolutely fuming. FUMING. So I did what I always do when I’m fuming. I blew up Shaun’s phone with text messages.
He was busy (working or something). So I had to give the policeman my .02 (which is a fraction of penny) sarcastic cents all by myself.
As soon as I left the comment I felt the fear. What had I done? Did I just get mouthy with an Officer of the Law?
Screw it. I was fighting for the cause. A revolution was coming to this neighborhood. And revolutionary people take risks and don’t back down.
But secretly, inside I was feeling so defeated by Asshole Parker and the neighborhood policeman. Until this happened:
He told them! #BestHusbandEver
When I came home tonight, the trucks weren’t parked in the intersection anymore. They were parked in the driveway. Which ISN’T THAT WHERE THEY SHOULD ALWAYS BE PARKED?!
A small victory happened in the hood today, folks. A small victory.
Mark this down as “How The Soleaus Were Kicked Out Of The Neighborhood Facebook Group”. Because I’m sure it’s coming. And my house will probably get toilet papered and egged tonight.
But I’ll sleep like a baby. Because I WON.