You Park Like An Asshole & Other Neighborly Causes

by Meredith on January 28, 2016

I could have spent today working on 1099s. I could have spent today getting a pitch done for tomorrow. But no. I spent today fighting for the cause.

YOU. ARE. WELCOME. NEIGHBORS.

I spent a significant amount of time making this diagram to show you guys how fucked up shit is in my neighborhood.

you park like an assholeI’m the silver SUV. I don’t have a stop sign. I’m turning right onto the other street.

The STUPID blue car is parked right near the intersection. So you have to hang out in the intersection to make sure people at the stop sign see you.

The red cars are oncoming traffic. They have the biggest problem, which is – THOSE FUCKING PICKUP TRUCKS.

Who parks in an intersection? Those pickup trucks, that’s who. And the blue car? He’s really no better. Traffic gets all clogged up and we almost have accidents errrr’y damn morning before work and errrr’y damn night after work, since we’re all trying to share one lane.

Anyway, we have a neighborhood Facebook group. My husband and I have been saying for some time that we should mention it in the group to see if we could solve this parking problem.

I AM GOING TO POST ABOUT THESE ASSHOLES WHO CAN’T PARK IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD GROUP! ONE OF THESE DAYS! ONE OF THESE DAYS!

*shakes fist in the air*

Today was that day. asshole parking 1

Wow! 15 likes! That’s unheard of in the sleepy neighborhood Facebook group! I clearly finally said what they’ve all been wanting to say. My confidence was soaring.

And then comments of support began rolling in.

asshole parking 2

There were 15 more comments just like it. Finally! Someone shed light on the asshole parkers! And it was me! The neighborhood hero! You guys – obviously, I should run for office.

The next thing I knew, a police officer (who also lives in our neighborhood) started chiming in. My neighbors-who-suck cause was getting so much attention!

asshole parking 3

SQUEE! It’s illegal! It’s totally illegal! I’m a crime stopper, ladies and gentleman!

I had the world by its balls.

Until… *sigh*… the guy with the three trucks saw the post and chimed in.

asshole4

The nerve! Can you believe how condescending he was being towards me? I bet he wouldn’t talk to a man like this!

Pick a battle? I ALREADY DID, PAL! THIS IS IT! SPARTA!!!

But I held my shit together, and I said:asshole5-1

Really, neighbors? One measly “like”? When the Asshole Parker shows up, you all back down? Come on!

And then… it went from bad to worse.

The policeman chimed back in.

asshole parker 6

So let me get this straight. He was all about passing out tickets, and now he’s backed off because Asshole Parker said no one has been in an accident?

That’s like saying you can drink and drive because you’ve never been caught.

Also? He drove over there at 2pm. There’s a difference between 2pm traffic and 6pm traffic. Duh.

I was absolutely fuming. FUMING. So I did what I always do when I’m fuming. I blew up Shaun’s phone with text messages.

shaun cell assholes

He was busy (working or something). So I had to give the policeman my .02 (which is a fraction of penny) sarcastic cents all by myself.

asshole parker 6 (1)

As soon as I left the comment I felt the fear. What had I done? Did I just get mouthy with an Officer of the Law?

giphy (4)

Screw it. I was fighting for the cause. A revolution was coming to this neighborhood. And revolutionary people take risks and don’t back down.

But secretly, inside I was feeling so defeated by Asshole Parker and the neighborhood policeman. Until this happened:

asshole parker 8

He told them! #BestHusbandEver

giphy (5)

When I came home tonight, the trucks weren’t parked in the intersection anymore. They were parked in the driveway. Which ISN’T THAT WHERE THEY SHOULD ALWAYS BE PARKED?!

A small victory happened in the hood today, folks. A small victory.

Mark this down as “How The Soleaus Were Kicked Out Of The Neighborhood Facebook Group”. Because I’m sure it’s coming. And my house will probably get toilet papered and egged tonight.

But I’ll sleep like a baby. Because I WON.

Facebook Comments

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Cas

Good job Shaun! Better to pick a battle with the neighborhood than your wife. Also Johnny Law is apparently Johnny Chicken shit.

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Meredith

Seriously. What’s up with that? He was all about the cause until the dude shows up.

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CAS

Men stick together.

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Nuala Reilly

And this is one of many reasons I adore you. That guy with the trucks is a total Trump. What a douche.

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Nuala Reilly

I legit just made that a hashtag on Twitter.

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Meredith

#TrumpTruck. It’s like a douchey dump truck that hates women.

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Nuala

Lol!!

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Audrey

I cannot wait until my land survey is completed in February so I can clear-cut the trees that the Frenchies next door think is the lot line. Because it’s not the lot line. It’s my property. With my trees. THAT I’M GOING TO CLEAR CUT OUT OF SPITE.

So, I guess I’m saying, if I had a neighborhood Facebook group I would probably be kicked out too.

JK. I’d never join. Because fuck these neighbors.

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Kelly

This is just another reason why I like you. So many people just want to complain so kudos for not only speaking up and sticking up for your street and neighborhood, but also for not backing down and for winning. ! Woot Woot.

I hope they got the message and continue to park in the driveway.

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Sélonge Neely

So, I hope there was at least a “thanks for sticking up for your always right wife” make out session, going on at the Soleau household after this. That’s probably the problem with A**hole Parker…not enough happiness in his life. I kid, a little.

Seriously, you have to be the squeaky wheel sometimes. Otherwise bullies continue to get away with their crap. Why can’t he park his vehicles in the driveway? Or, move them slightly? The reason there have been no accidents, is because you all are much better drivers than he is a good neighbor. I bet Officer Flip Flop’s boss would like to know that the law can be disregarded, just because he is too scared to face a man with big trucks.

Actually, those might be his company vehicles, illegally (depends on zoning) parked on a residential street, because he doesn’t want to pay for a garage to house them. Who buys all the same make/model, if not for business? That might be why they weren’t ever in the driveway; the workers pick them up in the am & drop them off in the pm. His family probably parks their personal cars in the garage & driveway at night. Just a thought…I could be way off base.

Sorry for the long post…

Have a great & safe weekend!!

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