After a long talk with Shaun, I had decided not to make this a blog post and open it up for the entire world to see. There were personal and professional reasons for this.
Instead, I wrote about this experience in this forum for women, and the questions kept rolling in. As the days have passed, I’ve realized that by talking about this, I am actually helping more people than I could ever imagine, because I am saying to you…. HEAVEN IS FOR REAL. WHEN YOU LOSE SOMEONE, THEY WATCH OVER YOU. FOR REAL. I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE.
It’s become bigger than me. Maybe your soul needs this. This is why I’ve had a change of heart.
Please, I beg of you, PLEASE if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing. His death shaped my whole life and my family’s life. I just ask this one thing of you. All comments will be moderated because of this reason. Truly, I just don’t want to moderate something nasty because you want to be an internet troll today. That is all.
So here it is. This strange thing… Out loud, and for the world to see.
I’ve been hesitant to write this because it’s so personal and incredible.
Bear with me.
HOW THIS HAPPENED
A few weeks ago, I approached a medium to be a guest on the radio show I do on Friday mornings. I had heard her on another radio show, and I thought she would be fun. The people she spoke with certainly seemed to believe her, and I figured I’d tell her about all the pennies I find around my house.
As I was chatting with her on Facebook regarding being a guest on the show, she immediately cut me off, and began feverishly typing these words:
“Ok, so don’t think I am crazy but your fiance seems to be worried about you. He said that he misses you and that he wants to hear your sweet voice. He wants to talk to you. He said he never got to properly say his goodbyes, and he is worried about the effects of him leaving had on you.
Ummmmm…… ok. Im actually booked for the next four weeks but he seems very anxious about speaking to you and is quite pushy. Would you like to set up a session? He said it would be helpful. It seems like this is an immediate need to him so I will just figure something out about my schedule.
Spirits do come to me even through Facebook sometimes when I’m messaging their loved ones. There’s no walls or boundaries. They just see the opportunity and take it I guess.”
So this is how it came to be.
I put her off for a couple of weeks while I internally decided if I actually wanted to speak to Sy. Asking about spirits leaving pennies laying around is one thing. Talking to dead people is another.
She and I spoke back and forth and exchanged phone numbers over the next weeks. She explained the process to me. I felt very nervous (and certainly there was skepticism mixed in there), but finally I decided, what the heck… If he has something to say, I would like to hear it.
But I was nervous he would say something terrible to me, and his words would cut me emotionally like a knife.
THE PERSONAL BACKSTORY
You see, Sy didn’t leave this world on the best of terms with me. We were engaged. We had a child together. And just like that everything fell apart and he decided to go work for Halliburton in Afghanistan.
I was here, raising his son, trying to finish my Senior year in college, bartending to make ends meet, and yelling at him home to come home — on the too few occasions that he called during the four months he was there (not his fault – at that time communication wasn’t as easily available as it is today – not that it’s easy today).
Actually, the last time we spoke before he was killed… I screamed at him, I told him to come home, I cried, and then I hung up on him.
Events like that stay with you FOREVER.
So when she told me he was being “quite pushy”, I figured he wanted to get the last word. He was probably worried about me because he wanted to tell me I’m not raising his son right. Maybe he wanted to tell me that since he’s left me, I’m not doing well without him.
There was just a lot of anger between us before he died. And I’ve grieved heavily, beat myself up, and been angry and then not angry (and angry again) with him over the years. And finally I stopped crying about him in the privacy of my shower or openly when I was drunk. Well, mostly. Sometimes I still cry.
But at the very least, I am less mad at him these days. My life has somehow gone forward. And I’m happy in this new life. A life that I seem to always be obsessively trying to improve – probably because of this one moment in time.
Anyway, I want to tell you about the medium. So let’s get to that part of the story.
I had two options for the meeting. I could meet her in person, or I could talk to her on the phone. She warned me in advance that if I saw her in person, she takes on the ailment of however the person died. Either way, she said, the reading would be the same and just as powerful.
Sy died in a very gruesome helicopter crash.
I opted for the phone.
When we began our call, she told me how this would work.
1. He will perform confirmations with me to make sure that I know it’s really him.
2. Once he knows I know, we will start to talk.
3. Sometimes she actually channels him with direct speech to me. When this happens, it will be very slow, and sometimes even garbled. I was to stop her if I couldn’t understand something.
4. When she wasn’t channeling him, it’s because he was showing her visions of things. Kind of like watching a TV, for lack of a better description.
5. I can stop it any time, but I will know when that time arrives.
So with that, she began the confirmations.
From here, I don’t want to get into exactly what happened because it’s too personal. It was our story to tell. These things were between he and I. However, I will tell you this… It was 100% him. There is just no WAY anyone would have known these things. And the confirmations continued throughout the session here and there. There were words he would use, one that she even said she didn’t understand, but I did because it was a word he used in a funny way. There were also things he described, like our house. And even geographic things, like his location and mine at the time.
But mainly, he talked about our son. And he talked in detail about my husband.
Again, I won’t go into detail about the reading. These were words for me. Not for you, I am sure you understand. But I’m sharing this with you because it helped me SO MUCH, that I feel like if you have unrest in a situation like mine, this could help you let go of it and be at peace.
SOME THINGS HE SAID TO ME
1. I’m sorry, and not just for how I left, but for the whole thing. I feel so much sorrow about leaving you like that.
2. I couldn’t have picked a better mother for my son. You’re doing a great job.
3. Your husband is a real dad to my son, a father, and not just a stand-in. I can never appreciate him enough. He’s a good man. We will be best friends. I owe him so much (he went into great detail on this).
4. I hear your prayers, and I try to help answer them. I can also hear your thoughts at night. (I dream of him about every other week – used to be more frequent – but the dreams are just us talking about normal things like Lars’ day at school or how my day went. No one knew this, not even Shaun. How do you ever bring that up?)
5. Your middle child used to be able to see me and play with me. (Very few people know this, but Logan’s imaginary playmate when he was very young, was “Dead Papa Logan” – we used to joke that Logan can “see dead people”. This is actually very comforting to me, as Sy was always the one on the floor, playing with kids.)
6. I do leave pennies for you guys. But not all of the pennies, your little one leaves her fair share (this made me laugh, and he laughed too).
7. I’m proud of you and your success (he went into great detail on this).
8. I watch over your whole family. You are all one in the same to me.
9. I love you. You know that, right?
There was a lot more, but these are the things I am willing to share. The rest of it was just us saying the things we never got to say. We never got to properly say our goodbyes, and now we have. And that is just for us. Not anyone else.
I would like to note that he was honest. He did NOT tell me everything I wanted to hear. He told me the truth. I appreciate that more than words can ever describe.
AFTER THE TALK
I cried during the call on and off. It was impossible not to, with the things he was saying, and what I was saying back to him.
But once that call ended, there was this giant rush of relief. Words can’t describe it. I stopped crying. That was it. I felt pure joy.
I have been holding onto so much anger. Anger that I thought I had let go of years ago. But now it’s truly gone. I feel, for the first time in a long time, very… very… very… happy.
My entire outlook on my life changed in that hour.
He was trying to talk to me because he knew I needed him to. He knew, and I had no idea how much I needed that.
For this, I will forever be grateful.
And I know he’s in a better place. I know it for a fact.
Will I ever talk to him again? No. He has things to do in the afterlife, like form the ultimate punk rock band. And I have things to do, like LIVE MY LIFE.
However, I cannot wait to see him again, and talk for eternity, like old friends do…