If you follow me on Facebook, then you already know. Last week, I ran into Shaun’s ex-wife.
Apparently, you guys also thought it was awesome, and I feel like I owe you something more from this status update.
Just a little back story, a couple of years ago, she found Shaun on Facebook. She didn’t ask to be his friend. Instead, she sent him a Facebook message on New years Eve.
Happy New Years! I miss you. Let’s get together. I have a box of stuff that’s yours. I need to return it.
Shaun told me immediately. I flipped out on him, and then I flipped out hardcore on her.
I ended up sending her a barrage of messages about how he doesn’t need her. He doesn’t miss her. And furthermore, she is to never contact him again. They are divorced. They do not have children together. And that’s the end of it for them. No. More.
Their marriage ended when he came home early from work to find her in a compromising position on their couch. So… yeah. It did not end well. But they were young when they were married. We refer to this as his *air quotes* “Practice Marriage”.
Also, you should know, after the New Year’s Eve incident, I thought I saw her one time at Sam’s Club. Pushing a cart full of giant boxes of maxi pads and granola bars, I ran across the store to see if it was her. I don’t know what I was going to do, but I just wanted to see what she looked like.
Whoever this girl was, she saw me and practically ran out of Sam’s Club.
Okay, so back to the story.
It was last Monday night.
Our Super Nanny randomly wanted to take our kids home for the night, and of course, we totally agreed. With my parents living in Arizona now, it’s not often we get offers for all night babysitters.
We decided to go to dinner, someplace without a kid’s menu. This meant sushi.
I looked like this:
Sorry about the crappy iPhone picture. You can’t really tell, but I had on a pink sequined wife beater, a grey sweater, blue jeans, and my new cowboy boots.
I looked sort of hot for a random Monday night date, which was good, because the dog and pony show was about an hour away from happening.
By the way, if I ever open a bar, I am going to name it The Dog and Pony Show. Don’t go stealing that from me.
After sushi, we were driving home. We drove past a local watering hole, and I noticed my brother’s car in the parking lot.
Hey, that’s Brother’s Volkswagen!
Should we stop in for a drink?
Why not? We don’t have kids tonight. It’s like we’re in college! Squeeee!
When we walked into the place, I told Shaun to go look for Brother Michael in the pool table area, and I would order us drinks.
Within seconds, Shaun was back by my side. He looked like he had seen a ghost.
I don’t think your brother is here.
Oh. Weird. I know he has bowling league on Monday nights. Maybe the guys met here for a drink first, and he left his car.
Yeah. I need a drink. What’s going on with the drinks?
She’s making them. What’s wrong?
My ex-wife is here.
Yeah. I didn’t even recognize her. Like, not even a little bit. I just saw what my life could have been. Holy shit. HOLY. SHIT.
Shaun was pale, and looked sick. Which was making me feel super good.
So, I am looking around, and I hear someone say, “Hello, Shaun,” in this almost bitchy-sarcastic tone.
I turned around and said, “Hi,” and stared and wondered who this was, and then it hit me.
Oh my gosh! I am going back there!
No! Just stay here. She will leave. I am already weirded out. Maybe we should just leave.
Are you kidding me? Heck no! We are staying! I have been waiting for this moment! I want to know what she looks like! All I have to go off of is a crappy down-shot cell phone picture from two years ago.
I am not sure why Shaun agreed to let me have this moment, but he did. And holy smokes, you guys!
She went outside on the patio to smoke a cigarette. I felt a sudden urge to check the weather. I made Shaun go with me.
I. TOOK. HER. PICTURE.
But I had to do it. I had to send it to my mother and his mother.
Anyway, when we got out on the patio, I pretended to be nervous and shocked to see her. So I pulled out my phone, turned off the flash, and pretended to be nervously checking emails.
Okay, now before I show you guys this picture, I want you to know a few things:
1. I researched this. You can take a picture of someone without their permission at a bar.
2. She is not unrecognizable because of her weight. I have gained weight. We all do. She is unrecognizable because of how she is not taking care of herself. It isn’t good. She used to be very, very pretty. Now she just looks sloppy.
Okay. Are you ready to see her picture?
APRIL FOOLS, MOTHAS!
Do you really think I am a mean girl?
I do, in fact, have a photo of her. She even said hello to me while we were out there. And I said hello back to her. And then she darted out of there. It was super uncomfortable.
However, I would never actually publish her picture.
Anyway, it was awesome. And I am way super prettier, y’all!
It was basically the best date night ever.