Massage: Weird or Wonderful?

//Massage: Weird or Wonderful?

Massage: Weird or Wonderful?

I’ve never had a massage because I don’t like being touched.

No hugging.

No hand holding.

No cuddling.

And certainly no stranger-hands rubbing all over me.


Unless I am drunk. And then let the touching begin.

I met Rebecca Walls at a session I was teaching locally on social media for business. She’s a licensed massage therapist. She told me months ago all of the reasons I should get a massage. But in spite of the medical advantages she was telling me about, all I could think about was having stranger-hands all over my body.

Which? Was a fun concept in college, but now it just felt like OMG THERE WILL BE STRANGER-HANDS ALL OVER MY BODY.

Also? I had never had a massage, so I didn’t know things. Like how to act.

Do you take off all of your clothes?

Where exactly are you getting rubbed down? I’ve heard about weird things happening at massage parlors, like rub and tugs.

What if I get so relaxed that I fart? Do I fart in my sleep? I don’t even know. What if I fall asleep? Are you allowed to sleep?

I bruise super easily. What if she bruises me, and then everyone thinks Shaun beat the crap out of me?

I have cellulite. She will see my cellulite.

And there’s the whole I’M-A-FEET-CUTTER thing (which went away for a few months, but has had a sudden flare up from the stress of my recent job change). Crap. No one can touch my feet. Ever.

But Rebecca’s words kept ringing in my head. A massage would help me loosen up. A massage would make me feel better. A massage would be good for my body and soul.

So I sucked it up and went to see her… cut up feet and all.

If you’ve never had a massage, let me tell you, you need to go get one immediately.


Rebecca practices at a nice healthcare facility in Bowling Green. Everything felt very spa-like, in spite of being in a medical facility. I could be wrong, but I think there were monks singing when I walked through her door.

First, she told me to go to the bathroom. So I did. I guess this how she keeps people from farting or peeing on the table. When I came back she said I was ready to relax. Yes, peeing would prevent me from relaxing.

And then she told me to take off all of my clothes, except for my underwear, and lay under the sheet. Back to not being relaxed. Clearly it was time for an inappropriate joke.

So no Spanx? It usually takes lots of vodka to get those things off, Rebecca. You’re good at what you do.

She laughed at my uncomfortable joke, and I knew in that moment everything was going to be fine, even if I was about to be naked with stranger-hands all over me.


Okay, so I was worried about this part. Would she massage my boobs? Like my doctor did that time he checked for lumps? No.

While facing up, I had my arms, clavicle area, shoulders, legs, and feet rubbed. It was spectacular.

She also flexed my hips and legs. Also spectacular.


I put my head in this half circle pillow thing. She told me to let my arms fall wherever they felt comfortable. So I ended up just letting them hang over the sides of the bed.

While facing down, she really worked between my shoulder blades. This is where I carry all my stress. I knew that, and she found it immediately. My body couldn’t lie to her. I was stressed out. She began talking to me about stress and the benefits of massage.

She finished by rubbing my legs, arms, shoulders, and back to my feet. I felt like I should give her a foot disclaimer. She didn’t care. She told me she massages all kinds of people – young, old, even in hospice. So my feet were not a concern of hers.

I never farted.


After an hour (which flew by – I could have stayed longer), it was time to leave.

I asked a friend before going, and you are supposed to tip 20%. So I tipped her, thanked her, and went out to my car.

You guys, I was so happy on my drive back home. I felt like the weight of the world had just been lifted off my shoulders. It has even helped my thought process. I don’t have these nagging negative thoughts about the career decisions I’ve made in the back of my brain anymore. It has totally helped me mentally move forward with my life.

Anyway, I don’t endorse anything or anyone, unless I fully love the person or product. Rebecca Walls gets my full endorsement (CLICK HERE FOR HER CONTACT INFORMATION). She is a miracle worker, and I plan to see her every four weeks for the rest of my life. I even made Shaun an appointment. It doesn’t even weird me out that a lady will be touching him. We deserve to feel this good.

Do you get massages? Were you also worried about what you look like naked and farting?

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By | 2013-10-21T11:41:53+00:00 October 21st, 2013|Too Lazy To Categorize|12 Comments

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  1. K October 21, 2013 at 12:08 pm - Reply

    Thank you for this! I HAD the same feelings as you DID going in! BUT I know I desperately need a good kneading ..esp between my shoulderblades/neck…where I too, carry all my tension/stress!

    SO glad you are blogging more Mer! Now get to work and sell a car today! Woohooo!

  2. Belle Vierge October 21, 2013 at 12:47 pm - Reply

    My boyfriend and I have had two couples’ massages together. They were wonderful. Previously, my only massage experiences were during other spa services, like facials or mani/pedis. Having an actual body massage was soooo relaxing, and having one side-by-side with Beau was extra-special.

  3. steph gas October 21, 2013 at 1:52 pm - Reply

    awesome husband and i used to get couples massages. money has been a bit tight since i’ve been ‘between jobs’ but when we were able to go monthly, it made such a difference. so relaxing! it’s a great way to have some ‘me’ time, and there really are a lot of health benefits.

  4. Ruth H October 21, 2013 at 3:49 pm - Reply

    I love massages, and I’ve had a variety of treatments; I’ve gone to the local spa and had the hot stone massage, I have had massages in home with a friend who is a certified therapist, and then the money got tight 🙁 Recently though, my chiropractor’s office added massage therapy to their services and I hesitantly inquired about the pricing, they were running a Groupon special at the time, and I bought three appointments for the price of one! SCORE!! My final Groupon appointment is next week, and I swear I’m going to find a way to keep this treat in my budget on a monthly basis, particularly since they are half the cost of the fancy spa and I love the way I feel afterwards.

  5. Deborah October 21, 2013 at 5:49 pm - Reply

    I’ve always wanted to have one but never have. I don’t care about disrobing…even with my curves I’m comfortable with my body. But I have nerve damage in my feet which makes them numb and ultra sensitive to touch…so that could be an issue. Something I need to try fir sure! Thanks for sharing!

  6. Michael Lombardi October 21, 2013 at 6:20 pm - Reply

    I was in my 30s before I had a massage. I actually got it as a gift for Christmas. That same Christmas, my mother got us a couple’s massage. So in one year of my life, I’ve had two.

    I’m unhappy with the way the vast majority of my body looks and am only naked long enough to take a shower. One of them pushed me to get more naked. The other one let me do what was comfortable.

    I don’t like to be massaged hard, so even though they were probably going lighter than usual it was still harder than I would have preferred.

    I’d do it again, but it’s really not a big deal for me. My wife loves her masseuse though.

    It was definitely a better experience than the full service barber I went to.

  7. Shauna Moerke October 24, 2013 at 8:23 am - Reply

    Massages are wonderful, I wish I could get them more. My favorite is hot stone massage. I love how I can feel the heat from the stone absorbing into my body.

  8. Robin October 24, 2013 at 9:10 am - Reply

    Weird! I can’t. I had one once and while parts of it were lovely, I couldn’t stop thinking about how weird and awkward it was that a stranger was touching me. I want to enjoy them but I can’t get over the awkwardness. I have touching and personal space issues in other parts of my life so it’s not surprising.

  9. Ace May 12, 2014 at 3:36 pm - Reply

    I LOVE massages! Of coure, I have fibromyalgia and sleep apnea, so I am tired and in pain all the time. I honestly can’t wait till my next massage, one of the few things I look forward to. I just try to zone out completely and let the therapist go to work.

  10. Ryan. December 3, 2014 at 9:17 pm - Reply

    Suck my ass.

    • Meredith December 8, 2014 at 8:10 am - Reply

      I’m not really into that sort of thing.

  11. Karen B. Jones May 6, 2015 at 3:17 pm - Reply

    I don’t like massages because I don’t like strangers touching me. Particularly strangers touching me LIKE THAT. Just… no. It’s uncomfortable for me. I don’t mind someone I know touching me and I love it when my husband rubs my back. But not from a stranger.

    (Yes, I have had a professional massage before. On one level it felt good, but it was stressful and uncomfortable on another. It was a supremely weird experience. Overall, I really, really don’t want to do it again.)

    I know, for a woman, that makes me weird. It seems an almost universal trait of females that they love all that spa stuff. But I really, really don’t.

    It is what it is.

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