If I had a million dollars, I would tell people to go to Hell.

by Meredith on December 17, 2013

I’m a firm believer in not burning bridges.

But lately? Not burning things to the ground is getting super freaking hard.

So instead of going off on people, I did the next best thing. I unfriended them on Facebook.

Which felt like a giant vagina punch to their faces!

unfriending people

I want you all to go unfriend everyone you hate in real life. Seriously. Go do this. Do it for your soul.

I was trapped in this obsessive circle of giving shit about what total douche bags were doing with their time. And then one day, I was just like, “Why am I making myself feel bad? Why do I care about people these people?”

I mean for real, one guy called me Miss Piggy! Another one told me sales is really hard, and I’d fail (you were wrong, asshat).

game ball

But then I thought about how if I had a million dollars, like if I win the lottery tonight, how I would walk into places they hang out, and how I would tell these people exactly what I think of them. I would do it all the time.

Because let’s face it – while you always know exactly where you stand with me – I wouldn’t have to worry about being employable in the same industry anymore. And not worrying about being employable anymore equals the loss of a filter (a filter that already barely exists – wait until my book is published).

And who cares if people think I’m crazy? I’d be crazy rich, bitch!

So without further ado, here’s the first ten things I’d do if I win the lottery tonight:

1. I would kick it off by slaying people with my silver tongue.

2. I think I would like to smoke a lot of pot and also possibly find someone who sells Ecstasy. Hey, I wouldn’t have to take those annoying drug tests anymore, and I’m going to need to chill out since I just finished telling a bunch of people to go to Hell.

3. I need more tattoos. Visible ones. One would say, “Remember who you are.” My mom has repeated this over and over to me my entire life. It pretty much means, “Don’t tarnish the Ludwig family name“. Sometimes I forget who I am. A visible reminder would be uber helpful.

4. I would have navy blue low lights put in my hair. Like, in a totally cute, “OMG! Was that blue peeking out underneath her hair? It looked oddly classy!” My hairdresser has these in her hair, and I’m totes jealous.

5. I’d give an ungodly amount of money to our church, and I’d ask them to pray for me. Daily. I’ll need a lot of prayers.

6. I’d start a cosmetic company, and I’d give all of my products dirty names. Examples: “Blowie Red” lipstick, “Cookie Pink” nailpolish, and “How’s It Look From Your Point of View” mascara.

7. I’d track down Natalie Maines and pay her to write us a duet, and there’d be a part where I whistle (because I am an excellent whistler), and then I’d pay her to sing it with me. I’d promote the crap out of it, using Google AdWords, by placing ridiculously high bids on the words, “Best Country Song Ever”.

8. I would build our nanny the fattest house with a Chevy Impala in the garage (actually – I’d buy all the Chevys on the lot every month so I can keep getting the monthly game ball), hook her up financially for life, fire her from nanny-ing, and rehire her as Director of Marketing for Meredith Soleau Cosmetics, Inc. We’d hang out, drink Absolut and iced teas all day, and think of the dirtiest cosmetic names ever.

9. I’d find a new nanny.

10. Finally, I would have our house plowed to the ground and then rebuilt. Mainly because I hate our neighbors (with their barking dogs and thieving teenagers), so I want them to look at our house and be super envious. After they became super jealous, I’d turn around and sell that house for one dollar to some fraternity at the University of Toledo, and I’d move my family to someplace without neighbors living so close together.

Now be honest, don’t give me any of this I’d-donate-it-all-to-charity crap. What will you do if you win the lottery tonight?

{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Jess

I. Totally. Love you….like seriously, you’re freaking awesome!

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cindi

I think I love you….(jk)
Love your posts. I as well, am always told that I have no filter. Im not malicious in my word vomit, just curse like a sailor at times.
I feel, that I just say out loud- what others are thinking inside. 
Ive been reading your posts since I saw you on 20/20. Keep up the good work sister- being real is better than being fake anyday.

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Mari

I have several ideas like travel, pay off my bills, and build my dream home somewhere… but even if i didn’t win a ton of money, I want a chef… I hate cooking… that’s what I truly want. ;)

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V

I would cross things off my bucket list like swim with sharks, get over my deathly fear of snakes, hit up a African Safari, bungee jump off the snake river bridge, be kissed in Paris, whether if it was with my spousal equivalent or not. (If he doesn’t want too, I’ll make him take a picture if the lucky guy who gets to make out with me) And probably be a stripper in Vegas, just for a night . After that, probably continue my work in HR at UTC aerospace / Boeing for the rest if my life in the frozen tundra of North Dakota.

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Tina

I’d pay off our church’s debt
Establish a trust for the church
Buy my dream house
Have you sell us a new Vette and new cars for me, Nick and our parents
Have liposuction
Open a classy restaurant and lounge
Set up college funds for all our nieces and nephews, because nothing is free you lazy turds
Get the best lawyer I can find and sue the crap out of the guy that fired me after my accident. Even if I lost, I would hurry him in court dates and legal fees.

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Kimberly Smith

First thing….
I’d pull my kids out of public school and make sure the schools knew EXACTLY why I was doing it.
I don’t think I’d quit my job, yet, but there’s a good chance I’d say Fuck you, anytime someone asked me to sub for them (taught my class with a 101 temp yesterday because no one would sub for the girl who subs for everyone). Hmm….maybe I would quit my job and just open my own place and hire the best instructors and pay them what they are worth.
The house? Done….I’d move in a hot second and the stone floors that sold me on the house could be redone anywhere (but actually be done right).
I’d never clean another bathroom again.

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Mom

Gosh! The first 5 made me cry… but when you got to donating to the church, I felt better about your winning! Good luck.

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Meredith

Mom, Jesus loves a sinner.

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Joy

Amen.

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Meredith

God bless.

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Amanda @ There Are 2 Sides

Get hair removal done, I guess it is done with lasers or something? I never want to shave my legs/pits again.
Housekeeper. Stat.
Take crazy vacations.
Buy a new house, or build one.

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Tony Lake, The Car Dude

If I had $636M (don’t worry, I’ve got my tickets!)… First, I would invest 100M and live off the interest alone. Then I would go crazy. I would buy every single new pair of “J’s” that came out (I don’t even own a single pair…YET). I’d hire Miley Cyrus, Mike Will Made It, Juicy J, Wiz Khalifa, and Explicit to sing “23″ at my Super Sweet 33. I would help you embark on your adventure to “Find Molly” and buy about a billion glow sticks to rage every night of the week. I would probably employ deadmau5 to lay a sweet track for me to get all weird on, and then go on tour. Tony Lake. One Song Tour. For FREE. No opening acts. Just ME. And then…I’d file for bankruptcy…cuz that’s what you are supposed to do after you win the Loto.

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erica

Hmm I would get a trainer and a chef and as soon as I was done losing the other half of the weight I have left to lose, I would get a boob job. I would also get laser hair removal and daily contacts, since apparently I can’t get lasik. I would give the people in my office who get screwed all the time bonuses. I would go to Greece to renew my wedding vows. I would build a small version of my dream house in a few locations. I would travel the hell out of the world until my kids have to stay put for school. I would also endow a scholarship at my college alma mater for regular people who are not descendants of so and so, because that is how they all work there. I would also build a free standing birth center in my town, and hire the totally awesome people I know to run it. I would also of course adopt a few local charities, and I’ve always wanted to volunteer at St. Jude’s. I supposed this would all be if I won mega millions. If I just won a million dollars then I could probably only do like 2 of these things.

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Farrar

Well I would have to win the lottery in another state b/c Alabama sucks and doesn’t believe in the lottery – just Indian Casino’s. BUT if we win GA or FL we are going to party like 1980′s Hairband Rockstars in the Carribean for about 2 months then come home and immediately call my uncle the lawyer and invest some. Then onto getting the rent’s and sibs out of debt. New houses for everyone! Then we are moving FAR FAR away where crazy money-hungery inlaws can’t find us!! Seriously you will need a plane and a couple of days to travel to our house. :0) Not anti-social at all! Promise! :0)

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Adria

I will keep working at my job but respond to things exactly the way I really want to instead of filtering. I’ll do this until I get fired.

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Jessica Miller-Merrell

Meredith,

This is why I love you and your blog. So refreshing. I do mostly what I want but if I had a million dollars, I’d travel and just chill out instead of working. Seriously, being a professional blogger and HR figure it kinda hard. I say this as I’m sitting on my bed in sweatpants and slippers actually working…

JMM

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Cricky

1. I’d pay to have my mobile home air-lifted from Florida to Birmingham and DROPPED on my ex-husband’s new house. (Bitter, party of one)
2. I’d buy 3 brand new Chevy’s from Thayer just to have you, Brittany G. and Tony the Boss deliver them to me at my brand new secret compound home in Tennessee.
3. I’d never clean my house, cut my grass, cook a meal, or fly coach again.
4. I’d take my daughter, my parents and my best friend (& all 42 of her children) on a year long seven continent field trip.
5. I’d finally open my own business and devote my kick ass awesomeness to it 100% every day.

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Boo Boo

First, I’ll set up a trust or whatever is required to protect us from the tax-man. (boring, I know)
Next, I’ll find LOTS of acreage somewhere far, far away from everything and build a nice little dream home for two smack in the middle of it.
Then I hire the housekeeper, etc., to free me up for some charitable giving of time and money, travel my ass off, and get back into all the fun hobbies and activities I stopped doing because I had to earn a living.

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steph gas

1. pay off my debt. ALL OF IT. including student debt.
2. stop working and finish school. get my master’s degree.
3. buy a house. not a huge house, because i don’t want to clean it. and i’m not hiring someone who is going to come in and touch my things and go through my stuff and not clean how i like things cleaned. it will have to have at least a two car garage, in which a lift will be installed for my husband.
4. pay off my car. buy a new one. buy my husband a car. buy my sis-in-law’s car.
5. buy a condo for my bro and sis-in-law to live in. they can pay the fees/taxes.
6. book a kick ass 10th anniversary trip next fall.
7. DONATE A FUCKTON OF MONEY to the hospice that helped my mom and to animal welfare orgs and set up a scholarship fund at my old high school.
8. open up my own counseling office which i will not go into detail about because it will be holistic and awesome and I DON’T WANT YOU TO STEAL MY IDEAS.

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