I’m a firm believer in not burning bridges.
But lately? Not burning things to the ground is getting super freaking hard.
So instead of going off on people, I did the next best thing. I unfriended them on Facebook.
Which felt like a giant vagina punch to their faces!
I want you all to go unfriend everyone you hate in real life. Seriously. Go do this. Do it for your soul.
I was trapped in this obsessive circle of giving shit about what total douche bags were doing with their time. And then one day, I was just like, “Why am I making myself feel bad? Why do I care about people these people?”
I mean for real, one guy called me Miss Piggy! Another one told me sales is really hard, and I’d fail (you were wrong, asshat).
But then I thought about how if I had a million dollars, like if I win the lottery tonight, how I would walk into places they hang out, and how I would tell these people exactly what I think of them. I would do it all the time.
Because let’s face it – while you always know exactly where you stand with me – I wouldn’t have to worry about being employable in the same industry anymore. And not worrying about being employable anymore equals the loss of a filter (a filter that already barely exists – wait until my book is published).
And who cares if people think I’m crazy? I’d be crazy rich, bitch!
So without further ado, here’s the first ten things I’d do if I win the lottery tonight:
1. I would kick it off by slaying people with my silver tongue.
2. I think I would like to smoke a lot of pot and also possibly find someone who sells Ecstasy. Hey, I wouldn’t have to take those annoying drug tests anymore, and I’m going to need to chill out since I just finished telling a bunch of people to go to Hell.
3. I need more tattoos. Visible ones. One would say, “Remember who you are.” My mom has repeated this over and over to me my entire life. It pretty much means, “Don’t tarnish the Ludwig family name“. Sometimes I forget who I am. A visible reminder would be uber helpful.
4. I would have navy blue low lights put in my hair. Like, in a totally cute, “OMG! Was that blue peeking out underneath her hair? It looked oddly classy!” My hairdresser has these in her hair, and I’m totes jealous.
5. I’d give an ungodly amount of money to our church, and I’d ask them to pray for me. Daily. I’ll need a lot of prayers.
6. I’d start a cosmetic company, and I’d give all of my products dirty names. Examples: “Blowie Red” lipstick, “Cookie Pink” nailpolish, and “How’s It Look From Your Point of View” mascara.
7. I’d track down Natalie Maines and pay her to write us a duet, and there’d be a part where I whistle (because I am an excellent whistler), and then I’d pay her to sing it with me. I’d promote the crap out of it, using Google AdWords, by placing ridiculously high bids on the words, “Best Country Song Ever”.
8. I would build our nanny the fattest house with a Chevy Impala in the garage (actually – I’d buy all the Chevys on the lot every month so I can keep getting the monthly game ball), hook her up financially for life, fire her from nanny-ing, and rehire her as Director of Marketing for Meredith Soleau Cosmetics, Inc. We’d hang out, drink Absolut and iced teas all day, and think of the dirtiest cosmetic names ever.
9. I’d find a new nanny.
10. Finally, I would have our house plowed to the ground and then rebuilt. Mainly because I hate our neighbors (with their barking dogs and thieving teenagers), so I want them to look at our house and be super envious. After they became super jealous, I’d turn around and sell that house for one dollar to some fraternity at the University of Toledo, and I’d move my family to someplace without neighbors living so close together.
Now be honest, don’t give me any of this I’d-donate-it-all-to-charity crap. What will you do if you win the lottery tonight?