I hide in the bathroom and pretend to be taking a #2, when really, I am reading US Weekly.

by Meredith on March 9, 2011


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How do I take time for myself? Great question.

I work in a 50 hour per week, outside of my home, HR job. This job requires me to have difficult conversations on a daily basis, fire people, tell people that they don’t get the job, and figure out medical insurance fiascoes.

Needless to say, I am constantly surrounded by people, and I have not been voted “Most Popular” amongst my co-workers. But hey, I love this job and I feel like I make a difference. So until I can figure out a way to become famous on the internet…  baby’s gotta eat, and I will continue to surround myself with people all day long outside of my home.

When I get home at night, not much changes. I rush through the door and am greeted by three little faces that need their mommy. I change hats as the evening progresses. Now I have left the office problems at the office, and I am scarfing food into my mouth over the counter while serving food to my kids and husband. My waitressing skills turn to bussing skills as I get the kids down from the table, wash their faces, clean the mess up off of the floor, and load the dishwasher. After I clean the mess up, it is bath time. I wash the kids up and get them ready for bed. We then hang out on my King sized bed until about 9pm when I shoo them all off to their own beds.

Now it’s husband time.  At 9pm, he knows he can get my attention.  So we talk about our days, decide if we’re too tired to make out, and maybe even have a couple of beers. 

This time is also reserved for social networking.  My husband seems to think that my social networking time is my personal time.  He is so wrong.  This is a job.  Kind of like the daytime job.  However, since I am on the internet and and talking to people (and it is fun, don’t get me wrong), that this is somehow like all of the time he spends on the internet playing some stupid role-playing video game with some 15 year-old kid from Canada.

Did I mention that NOBODY bothers my husband while he is in gamer mode? 

I don’t get that luxury. 

I can barely go to the bathroom without a toddler on my lap while I am trying to poop.  But sometimes, sometimes when I think I am going to freak out and never stop driving down I-75 South when I simply run to the store for some milk, I will create my own “me” time.

I have two things that I do to give myself a break from people and regroup. 

Plan A:  Hide in the bathroom and pretend you’re pooping.

In the rare event that I can actually get the door closed without someone following me in the bathroom, I take this time to surf the internet on my smart phone and read US Weekly.  I stay in the bathroom for as long as I can before I get caught and have to return to real life.

KID:  Mommy, what are you doing?

ME:  I am pooping.  Go away.

KID:  *breathing*  *breathing*  *breathing*

ME:  I can hear you breathing out there, Darth Vader.  Go get your dad.  He can help you.

HUSBAND:  Meredith, are you almost done?  Lars needs help with his homework and I am about to lose a guy in my game.

ME:  Are freaking kidding me?  All I want is 5 minutes to myself.  I’ll be out when I’m done.

HUSBAND:  You’ve been in there for 20 minutes.  *he opens the door*

Damn.  Busted again, sitting on the toilet seat with my pants pulled up.  Obviously, on this day, Plan A was a huge failure.  Time to move to Plan B.

Plan B:  Go to the salon and have every service offered done to you.  This takes hours.

I love the salon.  So when I feel like I am about to break, I schedule myself for every service I can afford on that day.  The typical $250 day includes a mani, a pedi, a cut, a color, and a spray tan. 

Not only do I get to go somewhere girlie and get pampered, but I also get to spend some of my husband’s hard earned money on myself (not that it’s not all from the same pot… but I like to pretend it’s just his money funding this day), which actually makes me hate him less for his video game obsession.

The spray tan is the best part.  Don’t ever forget the spray tan.  Once you are all tan, you leave looking thinner and feeling healthier.  I think they put something in the potion.

Hopefully all of you moms (working at home or outside of the home) have some take-away from this post. 

Plan A = pretend you’re pooping. 

Plan B = spend hours and your husband’s money at the salon. 

I know, you don’t have to tell me.  I made the world a better place today.  You’re welcome.

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

LAB

At my house we call hiding in the bathroom the “doo doo dodge”. Works every time!

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Meredith

I like it!

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MrsPsychoMama (Linda)

What a hysterical post! I even have to slam the door on the Siberian Husky on the way to the bathroom. This reminded me of when my son was a toddler and would beg to come to the bathroom w me. “Please, mama, please, I promise to not look, and plug my nose.” Luckily, we’re past that stage, but if I ever need a prolonged break, I’ll stash the US Weekly next to the toilet paper bin:p.

TY for the tips!

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Meredith

Hahaha! I am happy that they plugged their nose!

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AngieM.

my kid AND husband, i think actually wait until i go into the bathroom to suddenly have a thousand questions to ask me. when i tell them to go away i can still hear them pacing around outside the damn door. even the cat tries to follow me in there :/
i really like plan B idea. i need to do that since i’ve NEVER had a pampering day.

Reply

Meredith

What is the deal with men and children?

That’s why you have to physically leave the house. Just get out. And go to a salon that does not have a lot of kids/men. If there are kids and husbands there, it takes away from the girlness of it all.

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Steph

Hi!!! It is your favorite Clinique gal (j/k, I’ve only helped a few times!). I just found your card on top of my fridge, so here I am. I am saving you in my faves now. Check out my bloggy blog when you get a sec… or when you pretend to poop ;) It isn’t as fancy as yours but it is something fun to do. I’ll keep reading!oxox

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Lacey

I’ve been using Plan A on a nightly basis for the past 2 years. It still works the majority of the time!! lol

Reply

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