In case you missed it, the last Google show I was on was… well… um… revealing… uh… and shocking… and I can’t believe I told you guys about my sexual fantasy.

Here, just watch it (NSFW):

So I guess I don’t really know everything about sex. I thought I was smart in the sack, but everything seemed shocking and dirty. And I still stand by my statement. Poop DOES come out of there.

However, I have been reading Tiffany Reisz’ books, and now I feel better prepared for tonight’s show. Tiffany will be on the show AGAIN! Tonight we gather again to talk about SEX with a best selling smut author! AGAIN!

*pours a drink*

*slaps own ass with riding crop*

To RSVP for the live version of the show (that airs at 10pm EST tonight) CLICK HERE. As always, you can watch the show here after it airs live.

Okay, so I want to include you guys in the sex show.

Do you have any questions for Tiffany?

Do you have any sexual insecurities?

What is your fantasy?

How do you feel about BDSM? 

Use a fake name and email and spill your guts. I’ll ask your questions on the show!

© Meredith for Meredith Soleau, 2013. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Drunks, Fame, Going to Hell, Relationships

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My buddies bought a bar.

MY BUDDIES BOUGHT A BAR!

This makes me super happy because I like to drink. Also? I am going to host a party there for all of you once it opens! YAY!

The bar they bought may or may not currently be a swingers’ bar. As much fun as that sounds, they would like to change the bar dramatically. They want to turn it into an Irish pub.

Of course, I have a million suggestions for my friends… mainly on what the bathrooms should look like.

Even those these ponies are from Scotland, I have them convinced! Well dressed ponies will watch people while they pee. They just want cigars photo-shopped in their mouths. Fine. I can deal with that edit.

The next problem is the bar’s name.

They want to name the bar “Flanigan’s”. We can all agree that’s a dumb Irish pub name.

I want to name their bar (that I do not own) “The Shamrockery” or the “Dog and Pony Show”. They think these are dumb Irish pub names.

So guess what?! They are asking for your help! YOU GUYS GET TO NAME THE IRISH PUB! It’s turned into a contest, y’all!

Just leave a comment below.
You can come up with as many Irish pub names as you’d like.
If they pick your bar name – you get a $50 Visa gift card from these guys! 
Use a real email address so I can get find you.
Contest ends Thursday, May 23, at 11:50pm EST.
GOOD LUCK!

© Meredith for Meredith Soleau, 2013. | Permalink | 51 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Free Stuff, Stupid Hobbies

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I sort of, kind of, try to hide the name of my employer.

I guess I fear one of you is a total whack job, and you’ll show up, skin me alive, and wear my skin around as coat. Which? If anyone really wanted to know where I work, it’s listed on Facebook and LinkedIn. So, really, I suck at hiding it from the whack jobs.

But just to be sure, please don’t come here and skin me alive if you are a psycho. If you’re not a psycho, come on in, and I’ll sell you a car.

Anyway, I am coming out of work-hiding today (on my blog) because we’re hosting this super cool event!

I want all all of you local moms and dads to come. I’ll be here all day for the event! So you can touch my glorious hair, I’ll tell you inappropriate jokes, make you uncomfortable, and you’ll wonder if I’ve already been drinking – all while you’re having your child’s car seat checked.

FACTS:

• 8 out of 10 car seats are installed wrong.
• Correctly installed car seats can reduce the risk of a child’s death by 71%.
• Having a car seat checked takes less than 30 minutes.
• It’s free to have your car seats checked!

Just for stopping out, we will give you a free gift!
(not another child, I promise)

To register for the event:

Email me at msoleau@edschmidt.com or
Call Safe Kids of Greater Toledo at (419) 291-5993.

Ed Schmidt Auto, Inc.
26875 N. Dixie Hwy.
Perrysburg, OH 43551

That’s my work email, people. So don’t send porn to that one.

You look super pretty today, and I really like your shoes! Now help me save some kids’ lives, and share this if you’re local!

© Meredith for Meredith Soleau, 2013. | Permalink | 2 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Free Stuff, HR, Working Mother

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Six years ago today, I was hovered over a toilet, puking my guts out, for the fourth time.

I’m not Methodist, yet here I was in this Methodist church, overwhelmed by emotions and dry heaves.

What was I doing in this church? What was I doing with my fucking life? Why did I suddenly think I needed a man? I was fine… fine with just me and my little man, Lars.

I must have retouched my make-up 65 times that morning.

I put on my dress, and everything became even more real.

Much to everyone’s surprise, especially my own, I was about to get married.

Damn us. Damn Shaun Soleau for asking me. And damn me for accepting. And damn all of these people who actually showed up to see if I’d go through with it.

After all, this wasn’t my first engagement.

The dress felt very constricting. Mentally… it was suffocating me. The dress represented the end of me. The dress was a big, poofy, beaded, extensive… fun stopper.

It was the end of the coolest chick I had met in my life – Meredith Ludwig.

I could barely even take a photo with my mom because I just wanted to run. I didn’t want to do this anymore. What felt like a responsible idea, suddenly felt like a lifetime of regrets. What if he hurt me? What if I hurt him? It was too much.

I liked being independent and doing as I pleased, when I pleased.

My mom and dad, who knew me better than anyone, saw that I was flipping the fuck out, and tried to calm me down the best they could. My mom was feeding me (and herself – this was the first time she had ever drank) copious amounts of alcohol, and my dad was trying to rationalize with me.

The only thing that even got me down the aisle that day were my dad’s stern words of wisdom  “I spent a lot of damn money on this wedding, and you’re going to do this. Shaun is a good man. Lars needs him, and you need him more. You’re getting married today, young lady.”

As a matter of fact, below is a photo of that exact moment. You can truly see the fear on both of our faces. I had just said to him, as we stood at the end of the aisle, “I really can’t do this, Dad. I am not the marrying type. I’m not like Mom.”

With a forceful push from my dad, I made it to Shaun, who was smiling and happy.

Why wasn’t Shaun nervous? And with one look at him, my nerves subsided, and I knew this was right. I knew he was right.

I cried the whole time. He was perfect for me. I didn’t have to pretend with him. He knew where I had been, and what I had done, and he loved me anyway.

He was the first person I had ever truly trusted with my heart.

My dad was right. I needed Shaun.

I’d probably be in a gutter, cold and shivering, and crying for my mommy if it weren’t for Shaun.

Thank you, Dad, for not allowing me to run.

And thank you, Shaun Soleau, for turning me into the “marrying type”.

Thank you for making me Meredith Soleau (Meredith Ludwig’s way cooler persona). 

Happy Anniversary, Husband. 

XXXXXXX,

Wife

© Meredith for Meredith Soleau, 2013. | Permalink | 6 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Marriage, Parents, Relationships, Shaun

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Well, let me just apologize in advance.

Sorry.

I don’t know how that happened.

I don’t know how I somehow became the voice of reason on the topic of sex.

I feel so naive. I thought I knew about all the bad things.

But at least we all learned a thing or two.

© Meredith for Meredith Soleau, 2013. | Permalink | 8 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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I know, it’s Wednesday.

Shut it.

Okay, so I just want to vent today about what annoys HR Pros about job seekers. This will turn into great advice for you, and it will keep from messing it up with HR after your interview.

Stalking. Today we shall talk about stalking.

Do not, under any circumstances, call a company you are interviewing with twenty-five times from Friday to Monday.

Yes, we have caller ID. Yes, I can easily see who has called me directly, and I can see who has called our main line. Yes, you are freaking the Receptionists out and now they are afraid you are either trying to collect a bill from me or you want to wear my skin as a coat. Yes, your eight voicemails were too much.

When you act like a total weirdo, you get no job. So sorry!

Hi, this is Meredith. I just wanted to return one of your twenty-five phone calls. Yeah… uh… we’re going in another direction. 

Why? 

We just are. But thank you for interviewing, and best of luck in your job search!

*click*

Again, you get to call twice. You call once the day after. And you can call again a few days after that.

You get one email. In the email you thank me for my time, and you tell me how badly you want to work here.

But under no circumstances do you lose your mind and call me twenty-five times over the weekend.

Also keep in mind that many companies do not respond to you at all. This is their way of telling you that you didn’t get the job. I know. I think companies like that suck, too.

Any questions?

© Meredith for Meredith Soleau, 2013. | Permalink | 3 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: HR, Meredith Soleau, Mondays

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I get ready for work naked.

Buck. Naked.

I don’t want to get makeup or hair on my clothes. So clothes go on last.

My cell phone rang last week, as I was getting ready for work, and it was my boss. I ran over to my bed, where my phone was sitting, sat down, and went to hit the green button… when I realized that I could see my naked self, looking back at my naked self on FACETIME.

AGGGHHHH! NO FACETIME! NO FACETIME!

I immediately threw my phone across the room. I grabbed a towel. I wrapped the towel around my naked self… and picked up my phone.

I called Deanna, the Office Manager.

Deanna! Oh my gosh! Deanna! Oh my gosh! DEANNA!

Meredith, what’s the matter?

Richard just FaceTimed me! 

So?

I DO NOT HAVE ANY CLOTHES ON!

Hahahahaha! That’s hilarious. You need to call off work today.

*click*

Screw Deanna.

I debated a little bit, and then I called my boss back. Clearly he wanted something.

Richard?

Yeah, hey, Meredith. Thanks for calling me back. What time is our meeting with so-and-so today?

Richard! YOU CANNOT JUST FACETIME SOMEONE!

Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. I think my face hit that button. 

DID YOU SEE ANYTHING?!

Uh… no. Nope. Nothing. I hung it up right away. It never went through. 

Nine. So-and-so is coming in at nine.

*click*

He seemed so calm. I really don’t think the call went through. Plus, I did only see myself and not him.

But holy crap! What if he had seen something? I. WOULD. DIE.

When you FaceTime on the iPhone the buttons are still red and green, so other than the fact that you can see the camera is on, you could very easily just answer the call and not think anything of it.

Which brings me to the point of this article…

IT IS RUDE TO FACETIME SOMEONE.

The person on the other end could be going to the bathroom, picking their nose, sitting on their bed naked, or a million other private things that they don’t want to share with you.

NEVER EVER FACETIME SOMEONE UNLESS YOU PICK A TIME, AND YOU MUST FIRST TEXT TO CONFIRM THE OTHER PERSON HAS ON CLOTHES BECAUSE YOU MAY CAUSE THE OTHER PERSON EXTREME ANXIETY.

PERIOD.

I’ve deactivated my FaceTime access so this will never happen again.

Okay, so tell me about your embarrassing phone call stories.

© Meredith for Meredith Soleau, 2013. | Permalink | 7 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Going to Hell, Working Mother

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So Brittany called me.

Meredith, oh my gosh! Great news! Google wants to do a show with me, and I want you to be a regular personality on the show.

For real?! This is wonderful news! Can we cuss?

I don’t know. Maybe? But anyway someone from Google is going to be calling you.

Of course my brain exploded into a thousand happy little pieces. I was going to get to talk someone who works at Google. And for me, this is a really big deal.

I once applied for an HR job at Google just to see what their rejection letter looks like, so I could steal that letter and use it at the car dealership. They still haven’t sent me that letter. So in my mind, there is a chance that I could one day be employed at Google. But in the meantime, I will just pretend I work at Google and strive to make the car dealership Google-esque. Because working at Google is super cool, and working here is super cool. So it’s sort of the samesies.

Anyway, we had our first show. It was super fun! And if you missed it, you can watch it here:

I’m the asshat with curlers in my hair.

Which? Some of you have reached out to me asking me if I wear curlers in my hair at night. I do not. I was just being silly.

Brittany is always looking for people to be on the show with the core group of girls. So if you’re interested, just let me know!

The show airs live every Thursday at 10pm, and then we will run it on our blogs after it airs for anyone who missed it.

This week you’re going to get a tutorial from me about wearing Spanx. Brittany is still trying to convince me to show you all how I put them on. I am almost sold.

You can get show updates and leave comments by clicking here.

© Meredith for Meredith Soleau, 2013. | Permalink | 2 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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SHAUN: Your feet are disgusting, Meredith.

MEREDITH: I know. I need a pedicure. I haven’t had one yet because it’s been winter, and I am barely shaving my legs at this point in the year. 

SHAUN: No. For real. Yuck. Why do you pick at your feet? Stop it. Stop cutting your feet. It is so weird. Like, “I’m a cutter,” weird. 

MEREDITH: I know. Stop it! When I am stressed out, I like to pick at my feet.

SHAUN: That’s weird.

MEREDITH: Shaun! That’s enough! I am stressed out, and this is my thing. Tell me ten good things about my appearance right now!

SHAUN: Fine. Okay, so ten good things. You have a great rack. You have nice lips… in both places. I love your ass, and I love it even more when you don’t have a pair of Spanx on. Uh…. Your eyes! You have super pretty eyes. You look good in a dress… like, I love it when you wear a dress with cowboy boots. I like the way you laugh, it’s hot. You have good teeth. And even though you hate them, I like your knees.

*silence*

MEREDITH: That’s only, like, eight things, Shaun. I asked for ten.

SHAUN: Sorry. I got distracted by your feet again. You have really gross feet.

And then I chopped his wiener off.

THE END

Now quickly tell me something weird you do when you’re under a lot of stress, so I don’t feel weird about cutting the dead skin off my feet with a steak knife. And go…

© Meredith for Meredith Soleau, 2013. | Permalink | 29 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Marriage, Relationships, Shaun, Stupid Hobbies

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If you follow me on Facebook, then you already know. Last week, I ran into Shaun’s ex-wife.

Apparently, you guys also thought it was awesome, and I feel like I owe you something more from this status update.

***

Just a little back story, a couple of years ago, she found Shaun on Facebook. She didn’t ask to be his friend. Instead, she sent him a Facebook message on New years Eve.

Happy New Years! I miss you. Let’s get together. I have a box of stuff that’s yours. I need to return it.

Shaun told me immediately. I flipped out on him, and then I flipped out hardcore on her.

I ended up sending her a barrage of messages about how he doesn’t need her. He doesn’t miss her. And furthermore, she is to never contact him again. They are divorced. They do not have children together. And that’s the end of it for them. No. More.

Their marriage ended when he came home early from work to find her in a compromising position on their couch. So… yeah. It did not end well. But they were young when they were married. We refer to this as his *air quotes* “Practice Marriage”.

Also, you should know, after the New Year’s Eve incident, I thought I saw her one time at Sam’s Club. Pushing a cart full of giant boxes of maxi pads and granola bars, I ran across the store to see if it was her. I don’t know what I was going to do, but I just wanted to see what she looked like.

Whoever this girl was, she saw me and practically ran out of Sam’s Club.

Okay, so back to the story.

***

It was last Monday night.

Our Super Nanny randomly wanted to take our kids home for the night, and of course, we totally agreed. With my parents living in Arizona now, it’s not often we get offers for all night babysitters.

We decided to go to dinner, someplace without a kid’s menu. This meant sushi.

I looked like this:

Sorry about the crappy iPhone picture. You can’t really tell, but I had on a pink sequined wife beater, a grey sweater, blue jeans, and my new cowboy boots.

I looked sort of hot for a random Monday night date, which was good, because the dog and pony show was about an hour away from happening.

By the way, if I ever open a bar, I am going to name it  The Dog and Pony Show. Don’t go stealing that from me.

After sushi, we were driving home. We drove past a local watering hole, and I noticed my brother’s car in the parking lot.

Hey, that’s Brother’s Volkswagen!

Should we stop in for a drink?

Why not? We don’t have kids tonight. It’s like we’re in college! Squeeee!

When we walked into the place, I told Shaun to go look for Brother Michael in the pool table area, and I would order us drinks.

Within seconds, Shaun was back by my side. He looked like he had seen a ghost.

I don’t think your brother is here.

Oh. Weird. I know he has bowling league on Monday nights. Maybe the guys met here for a drink first, and he left his car.

Yeah. I need a drink. What’s going on with the drinks?

She’s making them. What’s wrong?

My ex-wife is here.

NO WAY! 

Yeah. I didn’t even recognize her. Like, not even a little bit. I just saw what my life could have been. Holy shit. HOLY. SHIT.

Shaun was pale, and looked sick. Which was making me feel super good.

So, I am looking around, and I hear someone say, “Hello, Shaun,” in this almost bitchy-sarcastic tone.

I turned around and said, “Hi,” and stared and wondered who this was, and then it hit me.

Oh my gosh! I am going back there!

No! Just stay here. She will leave. I am already weirded out. Maybe we should just leave.

Are you kidding me? Heck no! We are staying! I have been waiting for this moment! I want to know what she looks like! All I have to go off of is a crappy down-shot cell phone picture from two years ago.

I am not sure why Shaun agreed to let me have this moment, but he did. And holy smokes, you guys!

She went outside on the patio to smoke a cigarette. I felt a sudden urge to check the weather. I made Shaun go with me.

I. TOOK. HER. PICTURE.

RIGHT?!?!

But I had to do it. I had to send it to my mother and his mother.

Anyway, when we got out on the patio, I pretended to be nervous and shocked to see her. So I pulled out my phone, turned off the flash, and pretended to be nervously checking emails.

Okay, now before I show you guys this picture, I want you to know a few things:

1. I researched this. You can take a picture of someone without their permission at a bar.

2. She is not unrecognizable because of her weight. I have gained weight. We all do. She is unrecognizable because of how she is not taking care of herself. It isn’t good. She used to be very, very pretty. Now she just looks sloppy.

Okay. Are you ready to see her picture?

Scroll down…

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Keep scrolling…

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APRIL FOOLS, MOTHAS!

Do you really think I am a mean girl?

I do, in fact, have a photo of her. She even said hello to me while we were out there. And I said hello back to her. And then she darted out of there. It was super uncomfortable.

However, I would never actually publish her picture.

Duh.

Anyway, it was awesome. And I am way super prettier, y’all!

It was basically the best date night ever.

© Meredith for Meredith Soleau, 2013. | Permalink | 21 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Going to Hell, Marriage, Relationships

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