Fake Arguments

by Meredith on January 8, 2014

Don’t you hate it when someone is crappy to you, and you walk away from that person, and then the best comeback ever comes to you?

It happens to me all the time. Which immediately prompts a fake argument in my head.

fake argumentsI fake argue with everyone. EVERYONE.

I fake tell off customers when I walk out on the car lot and they run back to their cars.

FINE! RUN BACK TO YOUR CAR! I DIDN’T WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE $5,000 IN REBATES! GO SPEND MORE DOWN THE STREET!

I fake argue with other drivers in traffic.

FIRST DAY DRIVING IN THE SNOW?! WELCOME TO OHIO! HOPE YOU DON’T DRIVE INTO A DITCH, IDIOT!

I fake argue with my coworkers.

IT’S FINE! I DIDN’T WANT A POLAR POP FROM THE CARRYOUT, ANYWAY! I’LL JUST SWALLOW MY SPIT!

I fake argue with my husband.

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF I LEFT THE SEAT UP, AND YOU SAT ON THE COLD RIM? YOU WOULDN’T FEEL GOOD, PAL! NOT GOOD AT ALL!

I fake argue with people on Facebook.

GAY MARRIAGE DOESN’T LEAD TO PEOPLE MARRYING THEIR DOGS, MORON! WHAT’S YOUR IQ, ANYWAY?

I fake argue with the grocery store bagger after I get home.

CLEANING SUPPLIES DON’T GO IN THE SAME BAG WITH APPLES! HOW DIFFICULT CAN YOUR JOB POSSIBLY BE?

I even sometimes regurgitate my fake arguments to other people, and they never even happened in real life.

SO THEN I TOLD HER, “THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE A LIAR AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT!”

But I don’t even care that some of my stories have added dialog. My arguments are always better told the second time around (with the fake bits in there).

So today, because it’s fun, and because our comebacks are always better when the person isn’t actually standing in front you, I want you all to fake-let-someone-have-it. Tell someone off in the comment section. Tell me what you really wish you would have said to their face, during the heat of the moment.

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Untypically Jia

I do this so frequently, although mine is a part of my OCD. I have arguments in my head with people, but more like preparing for the actual argument. Like the one in my head is a practice argument that trains me to prepare against any onslaught of insults. It’s exhausting. I fight with my mother-in-law so much, and she doesn’t even know it LOL!

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Meredith

Hahaha! That is SO funny!

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Shaun

Stop blaming me that you don’t watch where you set your vagina down.

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Mari

The rule is, if there is even one female present you put the seat down… that’s just manners ;) lol

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chrisinphx

Right! Is it really that hard to glance down before you sit?

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Nanci

I fake argued with the business office.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ASSESSMENT MS. CRANKY VON HYPER-BITCH! I APPRECIATE YOUR INPUT, HOWEVER, IN THE FUTURE PLEASE ENSURE THAT BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO BUTT INTO MY CONVERSATION WITH CUSTOMER THAT YOU PULL UP YOUR PANTYHOSE AND ADJUST YOUR WIG.

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Laurie

Oh, I totally fake argue with everyone. I have these long, drawn-out conversations in my head all the time. Except the bagger at Wal-Mart. Because dammit, do *not* squish my bananas underneath the box of yogourt. You have one job and you really don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure out how to put groceries in a bag properly and tell me how much my total is. (And a smile and thank you wouldn’t hurt either…)

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Joy

I’m sorry I’m not sorry you hate me for no reason. You don’t realize it but your hatred makes me happy, everyday you don’t make eye contact with me is another day of victory for me! I again apologize that I don’t share that overwhelming insecurity you have. Bless your little heart.

If I could say it to her face. *sigh*

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jenna

I think I was about, ohhhhhhhhhh, 5 when my mom told me that I was an elaborator. I still fake argue with her about that now. I also have conversations in the mirror with myself… in anticipation of the argument. I get myself allllll worked up before even going into a situation. I do this at home. I do this in the car… and then – the moment comes to use some of the witty words I have “practiced” with and I do NOTHING. well… sometimes I cry. perfect.

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Shanna

This is so funny. When I used to commute to work and was a manager I would have whole conversations outloud in the car on how things probably will go that day.

Sometimes when my kids really make me mad I do not have it in my head but instead it creeps out in a Smeagol like voice… Talk about creepy.

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steph gas

i hate when grocery baggers don’t get their job. when i was a cashier, i had to take a computer test that simulated ‘bagging’ and made me choose where to put each item. i passed.

and i hate when other people bag my damn groceries.

i fake argue in my head all the time. probably more before the fact than after the fact. like i prepare for the potential arguments that could arise. i do this so often and it’s so ingrained in my stupid head that i can’t even think of a good example. my example is EVERYTHING I DO THIS FOR EVERYTHING.

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Just Me

Sorry Boss, but your recent habit of reiterating that I am the primary breadwinner for my family does NOT make me want to work harder for you. In fact, with everything I have dealt with on your company’s behalf, I would think that you could fake some form of appreciation. You willl NEVER have another employee that will put as much heart, soul, or hard work into your business as I have. I’m glad all of my hard work and dedication to growing your business, literally from the ground up, has afforded you the opportunity to expand your business from one to four locations. Thank you for giving all of my staff handsome Christmas bonuses but electing not to give me one. It’s been a great experience in running a business, but it’s clearly time for me to move on. Good luck with my replacement not running your busimess into the ground.

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