Dear Random Girl From Swanton High School, Who Hates Me, Because I Obviously Did You Wrong, But I Don’t Remember Because I Have ADHD, But Anyway…

by Meredith on April 16, 2014

Dear Random Girl,

I just want to start by saying, by process of elimination, I have narrowed it down to maybe four girls from high school who probably want to rub Icy-Hot in the crotch of all of my panties.

I am looking at you, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

I don’t know what I did to you. I really don’t. Mainly because I have zero childhood memories. I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was an adult, and lack of memory is the result. The only memories I have are, like, super fucked ones.

Like the time I reverse catfished a guy. I clearly remember James.

The summer I was thirteen… I met James. He lived in the farmhouse across from my grandma’s farmhouse, on the other side of Hog Creek (that’s the actual name of the creek). I was infatuated with him. Grandma told me not to get too attached because his parents were  ”renters”, and his time near Hog Creek would be limited. The week I spent with James was blissful. BLISSFUL. He was two years older, hot, smiled a lot at me, and we even grazed legs once when we were swimming in Grandma’s pond. After my week-long visit at Grandma’s house had ended, James and I became pen-pals. I really wanted him to like me, so I made up a whole bunch of lies about myself with each new letter. The biggest lie was that I had just landed a modeling gig with Seventeen magazine. James (being the nice guy he was) asked me to send him some pictures. I (now stuck in my compulsive lie that kept growing) cut out random pictures of blonde haired girls, and sent them to James.

James never sent me another letter.

See? That’s the sort of things I remember. The James-Catfish-Reversing story fought his way through my unorganized and overactive brain. It stuck.

i know right

What I don’t remember are the things that prompt you, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, to read into things I post online and gossip about my marriage with my husband’s best friend (who also went to Swanton High School – so that’s how I know this clearly a girl from Swanton High School – but don’t worry – whoever you are – he isn’t giving you up – but he did alert us to the situation).

Lots of people hate me, but at least they know me, or have formed their hate over some opinion I had about something on this blog. But since you don’t really know me, you just think you know me because we went to Swanton High School together fifteen bazillion years ago, I am going to give you an actual list of real reasons to hate me.

now i am such a good friend

10 SHITTY THINGS ABOUT MEREDITH
(SO YOU HAVE SOME ACCURATE MATERIAL FOR GOSSIPING PURPOSES)

1. I’m always right.

2. I put deodorant on the same armpit twice the other day, so my one armpit was stinky, and I made my coworker smell it and then laughed about it. Who does that?

3. My boss says I am “unmanageable”. My husband may or may not agree with my boss.

4. I am a talker-overer and an interrupter. So sometimes it takes eight to twelve minutes to tell me your three minute story.

5. I slay people with my silver tongue.

6. I’m not judgey, unless we’re talking about yucky teeth.

7. I sort of like to call people out when they are shitty to me. And by sort of, I mean, I am passionate about confrontation (reference: this entire blog post).

8. I have the mouth of a drunken-one-eyed-peg-legged pirate.

9.  I sometimes mistake myself for the cross bearer of all women, everywhere, all the time. My extreme feminism wears out the men in my life.

10. I don’t share things I drink with other people, not even my children. I am weird about mouth germs. Which is an odd OCD thing for me suffer from because… college.

Despite all of these shitty qualities about myself, there is ONE awesome quality I have developed over the years…

I am a girl’s girl. 

mean-girls-19If you would stop hating me, you would probably figure out that I am, like, every girl’s most fun friend. I’ve got your back… as long as you have mine.

So, whoever you are, I am giving you permission to stop hating me. I cannot even remember our high school interactions, so it’s okay for you to forget them as well.

I left high school like fifteen bazillion years ago, and your mental health needs you to leave high school, too. Hating me is a waste of your time. But if you must continue this way, please refer to the list above, because I just gave 10 up-to-date reasons to hate me.

I’m sorry?

XOXOXO,

Meredith

PS – When I typed it all out for you, it all feels a little small town and Mean Girls and silly. I know, right? That’s sort of my point. Grow up.

{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }

Nuala Reilly

OMG I love you!! Lol awesome post.

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Meredith

I love you more! And I know you better than whoever this is from high school.

PUT THAT ON THE RECORD!

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Nuala Reilly

Lawyered: crazy girl from high school who clearly doesn’t understand awesome.
DON’T MESS WITH MY MEREDITH!

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Lindsey

I just discovered your blog yesterday thanks to your pinterest post about the coffee grinds scrub disaster. I totally love you and wish I was as brazen as you are. It’s total awesomeness. And we could totally be best friends. Then at least I’d have a friend who appreciated my pirate talk. haha ;)

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Meredith

We can be besties. Pirate talk just adds color to conversations. It’s needed.

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Lindsey

Totally.

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Michelle

LOVE this. Freaking hilarious. The depths of this person’s loser-dom is …. mindblowing.

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Meredith

It’s sad, really. Get a life. GET A LIFE!

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Jessica

I love your list…You’re so funny, I wish you could ‘out’ this woman. Also, still waiting for your tutorial!

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Meredith

Well, I am having a bad face week. So the makeup gets pushed to next Monday.

I wish I knew who it was, too!

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April

#4 and #5: me. I wish I could stop over talking and interrupting but I can’t. It’s a cross I have just learned to bear.

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Meredith

It cannot be stopped.

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Kristy Tucker

This is probably my biggest ‘fault’ Causes me no end of problems with my dear husband.

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Krist

As always LOVE!
I’m so #4! I know we would be besties, I hope this person gets a life!

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Meredith

I asked the guys I work with what my flaws were… that was actually #1 for them, but interrupted them and came up with 1, 2, and 3 before they could finish their thoughts.

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Caryn

I love you Meredith! Awesome post. I so wish we were friends in real life :)

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Meredith

Okay, then let’s be friends in real life! Some of my online friends have turned into my favorite real life peeps!

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Caryn

That would be awesome, unfortunately San Diego is a little far from Ohio . . . :(

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Mykel

Am I the only one over here completely bummed that we still haven’t been properly educated on how to put makeup on our faces… and that we haven’t gotten to see the purple hair???

On another note… I have random girls from high school who hate me… I don’t even remember them or what I could have possibly done to them. I figure they’ll either get over it or die loathing me. I don’t care either way. LOL

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Meredith

I am finding that being on camera with no make up at all to start the tutorial is harder than I imagined! I have never done that before.

I am hoping to be brave this weekend. Otherwise I will just have to do it drunk and I cannot promise the results of the liquid mascara after a drink or two.

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Mykel

Be brave… be very brave… by the time you get drunk you will probably forget to put mascara on anyway!

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Jeff noe

I remember a time freshman year when Burt pushed you into the guys bathroom while I was relieving my bladder at a urinal. I thought/still think it was funny. Good times.

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Meredith

I wish I remembered that! THAT sounds awesome!

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Amanda

girl…you’re awesome. i totally have a thing with calling people out for being jerks. it kinda gets me in trouble sometimes, but pffft whatevs. they need to know they were being jerks! how else can they not do it to others!

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Meredith

YES! I think I am the Jerk Hall Monitor. If I don’t tell you to stop running that mouth, a weaker person for sure won’t. I WILL FIGHT ALL THE BATTLES FOR US ALL!

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Amanda Black

We sound a lot alike and you sound like you’d be a badass friend to have! I can relate to what you’re writing SO much.

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Kristi

Wow, we must have went to high school with the same girls! I had a girl from high school tell me I was a bitch as we both volunteered in our children’s classroom last week. I had not seen this girl since graduation and apparently she still hard some sort of hard on for me! A little sad the she is still holding on to this crap after twenty years. I know I was horrible as a kid, but really who wasn’t ?

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Wendy Dagley

Meredith. ..you friggin rock! Do you really have the mouth of a one legged pirate because I could very well be your twin! Thank you for the afternoon laugh..I needed that! ;)

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Betsy

Mere-
You didn’t have to write an ENTIRE post about me!
It’s totally appreciated though. People will understand me a lot better now.

Btw, thanks for smelling my pit the other day. ;)

B.

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kendra

I have this happen to me on occasion too… it’s ridiculous. I feel half bad for apparently being a jeep and half bad because someone remembers. I can barely remember yesterday. Lol.

I also would like to mention that I am waiting for the beauty lesson… I am horrible with eye makeup. Lol.

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kendra

And by jeep I mean jerk… my smartphone G rated me again.

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Shelly

Love it!!!

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Theresa Lollis

Sign me up for a big helping of 1-10

LIKE. A. BOSS!!!

You are hella cool from what I “know”
Someone will always find something that they don’t like about you it will never FAIL keep on being you ;)

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thekitchwitch

Fellow chronic interrupter here! It’s a sickness.

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Tracy

Hey- those are all the reason I love you… except for #10 (no germ phobia here) and if I didnt have crazy HR stuff to handle, I might even give you 10 more reasons that you are loved! Oh, I will give you two – you have great hair and always look good in selfies :)

Hugs,
T

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steph gas

high school never ends. this is just more proof that i’m right about that. it ends for some of us (obvs it has for you, meredith) but it doesn’t because women like she-who-cannot-be-named try to drag you back into high school shit. way to stand above it. i try to, really i do. but sometimes i get really emotional and crazy and get sucked back down.

high school was really random for me. because of all the drugs and shit, i don’t remember all of it. i had one girl who mercilessly bullied me from 7th-10th grades until she left school. then it got a little better. i was lucky to go to a small private school and really, even the catty cliquey girls weren’t as bad as others i’ve heard about. and thankfully most of us have managed to leave high school shit behind.

having said that, bitches be crazy. seriously. women are nuts. i don’t know what’s wrong with us, but we’re all crazy. and those of us who know it and gladly embrace it are really the only ones i can handle :)

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ClevelandPoet

this here is one of the most amazing things I’ve read anywhere:

I put deodorant on the same armpit twice the other day, so my one armpit was stinky, and I made my coworker smell it and then laughed about it. Who does that?

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Megan Sue

Can we please be best friends?

This might be the most amazing post I’ve ever read regarding the adult mean girl phenomenom. (Did I spell that right? Probably not, sorry, my spelling is shitty sans spell check)

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Laura

Numbers 4, 7 & 8 are three of the biggest reasons you’ve always been one of my favorite “swanton people” :)

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