Last week a reader asked me for some advice.
I know what some of you are thinking.
This is going to be so much fun! It’ll be like Dear Abby. Only drunker!
Maybe you should have a thing on your blog called “ask Meredith” or “WWMD?”. So that way complete strangers (i.e. myself) could ask you the most embarrassing questions. Because face it, you are really the only one that’s going to give it to us straight. That way I wouldn’t have to feel like a total tool if I wanted to be alllll like,
Hey, MEREDITH!!!! I totally just found out that sometimes when my husband says he has to take a shit, he really isn’t shitting, he is jerking off!
I’ve been at a loss for words since yesterday. We were watching Wolf of Wall Street (pirated off the internet because that’s how I roll), and there was a part that talked about how many times a week he jerks off. Soooooooooooo naturally I ask my husband. And he said 2-4x a week.
I am home allllllllllll of the time. Our bathroom in our bedroom has no doors. The only other time I could think of is that he always poops. WITH HIS COMPUTER. In the half bath downstairs. BOGUS. So now I know why he needs the computer and how he can poop more than once a day.
What do I do? It’s not so much the jerking off thing… It’s just the fact that he does it in the half bath that is for guests. Lame.
In your husband’s defense, I sometimes pretend to be pooping. But really, I’m not pooping, I’m just hiding. From my family.
However, the answer is really freaking simple.
All you have to do is slide a picture of his mother (face-up), under the door, the next time he has to “poop”.
This will not only alert him that you have figured out why he needs his laptop to poop, but it will also stop him from wiping his love juice on your fanciest hand towels. Why? BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS THEIR MOTHER PRESENT FOR ALONE TIME.
It’ll probably stop it for good. So be prepared for an uptick in fake headaches on your end.
YOU. ARE. WELCOME.
I am sure Nicole would love to hear from all of you, too! Let’s help a sister out! What advice do you have for Nicole about her fake-pooping-guest-bathroom-husband?