Dear Meredith: The Curious Case of the Guest Bathroom

by Meredith on January 13, 2014

Last week a reader asked me for some advice.

I know what some of you are thinking.

dear meredithAnd you are so right! I DO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING!

This is going to be so much fun! It’ll be like Dear Abby. Only drunker!

***

Hey…

Maybe you should have a thing on your blog called “ask Meredith” or “WWMD?”. So that way complete strangers (i.e. myself) could ask you the most embarrassing questions. Because face it, you are really the only one that’s going to give it to us straight. That way I wouldn’t have to feel like a total tool if I wanted to be alllll like,

Hey, MEREDITH!!!! I totally just found out that sometimes when my husband says he has to take a shit, he really isn’t shitting, he is jerking off!

I’ve been at a loss for words since yesterday. We were watching Wolf of Wall Street (pirated off the internet because that’s how I roll), and there was a part that talked about how many times a week he jerks off. Soooooooooooo naturally I ask my husband. And he said 2-4x a week.

I am home allllllllllll of the time. Our bathroom in our bedroom has no doors. The only other time I could think of is that he always poops. WITH HIS COMPUTER. In the half bath downstairs. BOGUS. So now I know why he needs the computer and how he can poop more than once a day.

What do I do? It’s not so much the jerking off thing… It’s just the fact that he does it in the half bath that is for guests. Lame. 

#showthatturdwhosboss

Love,

Not-On-The-Guest-Towels-Nicole

***

Dear Not-On-The-Guest-Towels-Nicole,

In your husband’s defense, I sometimes pretend to be pooping. But really, I’m not pooping, I’m just hiding. From my family.

However, the answer is really freaking simple.

All you have to do is slide a picture of his mother (face-up), under the door, the next time he has to “poop”.

This will not only alert him that you have figured out why he needs his laptop to poop, but it will also stop him from wiping his love juice on your fanciest hand towels. Why? BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS THEIR MOTHER PRESENT FOR ALONE TIME.

It’ll probably stop it for good. So be prepared for an uptick in fake headaches on your end.

YOU. ARE. WELCOME.

Meredith

hand towelsSee? I’m super good at this!

If you have a question for me, just send me a message through Facebook or Twitter, or you can leave an anonymous comment below.

I am sure Nicole would love to hear from all of you, too! Let’s help a sister out! What advice do you have for Nicole about her fake-pooping-guest-bathroom-husband?

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Marci (Blue Moon Babe)

or…..
Slip a picture of yourself in a provocative pose under the door.

Here’s the thing… men masturbate (so do women, but that’s another post). Thank heavens he is doing it behind a closed door and not your master bath where anyone (kids) could walk by. And men are visual, it’s not personal, they just like to look at pretty naked women.

Is he a good husband? Do you have a good sex life? If so, what’s wrong with him masturbating?

Let him have his alone time and make sure there are plenty of kleenex in the guest bath.

BMB

Reply

akabruno

Wouldn’t the bigger issue be if he was using the guest linens for when he finishes? Just sayin…

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Kelly

This is awesome because I could use some advise. I will be officiating a friend’s wedding the summer of 2015. Here’s the thing, I’ve never done it, by IT I mean officiate a wedding. I’m usually a procrastinator so if you want to wait until the Spring of 2015 I’ll not panic. Kidding. I’m having slight anxiety about making the ceremony as lovely and laid back as they are. You have had tons of experience not only public speaking but now as a stand up comic, what tips can you provide? HELP! I need to start now I know I’ll have to tweak it until the day before the wedding.

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jenna

I am laughing so loud I am CRRYING. finally an answer to my prayers… I truly don’t think Jesus Christ could have answered this any better himself.

Reply

Now it makes sense

Okay, so I thought my husband just had a really, really effective digestive system. So, he could be banging his bone and not shitting. Aw jeez……

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Nuala Reilly

Omg. Laughing so hard I can’t…omg. Brilliant.

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chrisinphx

The real question here is why he needs to rub one out if wifey is home allllllll of the time…..give a guy a hand.

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Meredith

No way. I push my own button – you push yours.

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chrisinphx

Really? Maybe it’s because my guy and I are dudes but if the other one is there why do it yourself?
4 years later we still get it on 5 or 6 times a week.

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Anonymous

So this is a rough topic for me. It’s the one area where my crazy comes out. You’re a jealous person, Meredith. Does your husband looking at porn not bother you? Why not? I genuinely am trying to learn. It just crushes my fragile self-esteem and feels like cheating. Why should he have to think about someone else to get off? Further, why wouldn’t he just ask me for sex? I almost never turn it down. I don’t really get why men need to do this so much and also why they need to hide it. For a person with trust issues, when you find out they’ve been doing that behind your back, what else have they been hiding? Even in recent years as my self-esteem has gotten better, the sneaking thing still gets me. Even when you trust someone completely, shady behavior makes you think twice.

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Anon

It shouldn’t bother anyone that their partner masturbates. People do it for all sorts of reasons – it feels good, it’s a release, they’re bored, whatever. You know how to get yourself off real quick. Sometimes sex is not an option or not wanted. What’s the big deal? Also, it isn’t being sneaky – it’s about privacy.

As for the porn? It’s a visual. Fantasy is good. It’s healthy. It spices things up. You should try it and don’t begrudge your partner for it. It doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t want you or that you don’t do it for him/her. It’s natural.

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Meredith

I would be happy to answer this next! Stay tuned!

Reply

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