Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down for the information he wants.

by Meredith on March 6, 2014

Shaun Soleau is an excellent Mathematician.

I can totally spell and define the word “mathematician”.

Lars is now in the Fifth Grade. His Math class is getting really difficult. For me.

Mom, we just touched on square roots today. Can you explain to me again how to find the square root of sixty-four? I forget what my teacher told us.

This sounds like that “New Math”. Go ask your dad.

I don’t remember how to do a square root. It’s sad.

Lars has stopped asking me for Math help. I contribute very little to his homework time these days.

Until now.

LARS: Mom, they are teaching us to type. I have to type a half page book report on any celebrity. Will you help me?

ME: YES! Oh my gosh, Lars! I am so excited you came to me with this! Did you know I’m a writer? Did you come to me because you hear me talking to Daddy about my book?

LARS: Well, actually, I asked Dad first. He told me you’re the Grammar Nazi, and that you’d kill us if we didn’t include you. Anyway. I hope you’re better at this than Math.

And I hope he never finds this blog.

Without further ado, may I present the first draft of Lars’ first (ever) typed book report…

chuck norris book report

I don’t know what I love most about this.

Do I love how much attention this needs, and that he clearly needs my help?

Do I love the thought of passing down my gift of over-punctuating-everything?

Do I love his witty title?

Do I love his celebrity pick?

Or do I love how the last paragraph is simply filling the page (to the required half-way mark) with Chuck Norris jokes?

I think it’s the Chuck Norris jokes. You guys, MY KID IS FUNNY! THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Kate

Except for the spelling, you’re clearly raising him right. And cuz I’m a giver…the square root of 64 is 8.

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Meredith

Spelling, spacing, weird sentence structures… ALL WRONG.

Randomly busting into jokes… ALL RIGHT!

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Kate

I noticed those too; just trying to make him feel better. Although, he could have career in stand-up.

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Joanna

This kid is brilliant. Who cares if you can’t help him with square roots. He won’t ever need that in real life, right? But helping him develop his funny?? That there is a life long skill set. Nice work Momma.

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Erin @ Miss Lifesaver

I couldn’t agree more. I’ve had to find a square root exactly ZERO times since I took the ACT in high school, but reading, writing, and that including that charismatic personality will take him places… all the places! :)

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Nuala Reilly

I’m sorry, that was great and funny and awesome and stuff, and lord knows we love a good Chuck Norris joke in this house but YOU’RE WRITING A BOOK???? Can I just squee in happy glee for you! Yay!!

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Jen Seymour

I’m new to you Meredith, but I loved this last paragraph of your kiddo’s report. Cracked ME up!!

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chrisinphx

That is awesome! I totally feel your pain in the math area. I took placement tests for college last week so I can get an HR Certificate. Out of the 24 math questions I can say with confidence I got 1 question correct, the rest of it may as well have been written in another language. I have totally forgotten how to math.

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steph gas

math… ugh. i had to retake algebra and take statistics in college and i hated both. that’s what calculators are for. so i don’t have to know math.

this is an excellent chuck norris report. in high school we had one teacher who would give us these horrible vocab words and we’d have to write a sentence using each (yes, eleventh grade. i hated him). when my brother had him, he’d create a theme for each week’s vocab words. one week was tony danza and it was fairly epic. i see a great future for your son.

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Victorria

Your son is brilliant. And I love the name Lars.

My husband is the mathematician in our household, and that’s not figuratively. He just graduated with an Applied Mathematics degree. He ‘enjoyed’ taking Calculus 3. ?!?! I will HAPPILY let my two sons go to him for their math and science problems. But when my 2nd grader, Gus (see why I like the name Lars?), had a report due on holiday traditions in Sweden, I was right there helping with crafts and the swedish language. MUAHHAHA. We have to do what we have to do.

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Shelly

Love his report!!! He totally owned it!!! Good job Lars!

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Mom

So proud of you, Lars (and Meredith)!!!

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