A Sobering Look at the Art Of “Mommy Wars”

by Meredith on February 20, 2014

Mommy Wars:

ˈmämē/ wôrs

plural proper noun 

 1. one’s mother (chiefly as a child’s term) is in a state of conflict with another one’s mother about a certain ways of mothering things (specifically their children). In her mind, she’s clearly better than another one’s mother. These conflicts are typically released via Facebook, Twitter, blogs, Babble, and/or via behind-one’s-back whispers.

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A friend sent me a Babble article yesterday and asked me what I thought of it. CLICK HERE to give the once-over and come right back…. I’ll wait.

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The article basically says that moms who drink alcohol, and then joke about it online, are ruining other mothers. Oh, and we may have drinking problems. Like, maybe we are turning into a bunch of alcoholics because it’s socially acceptable.

The article implies that when you, a mother, are drunk behind your computer screen (or if you’re pretending to be drunk) and posting about it online, the internet becomes a cesspool of blasted mommies. And while appearing to be a lush online for the sake of being funny… is actually funny… the teetotaler mothers may decide to drink (or at least joke about drinking) DUE TO PEER PRESSURE.

cheers meredith soleau

Mommy Like-y

Peer pressure?

It’s all a little high school-ish. Don’t you think? Are we grown-ups, making our own decisions? Or are we fourteen-year-old girls who are worried about what our friends are wearing to Homecoming?

God forbid I bring home the bacon, fry it up, and then have a glass of wine with my husband. God forbid I have a terrible day at work, come home to a chaotic house, finally get those little rascals into bed (after they’ve gotten out of it five times), load the dishwasher, and sit down with my husband only to UNWIND WITH A DRINK. God forbid I then talk about it online with other women, who can totally relate, by posting a martini-in-hand selfie. God forbid the highlight of my day is this moment, with my husband, that hopefully leads to me getting laid later on in the evening.

God forbid.

Wait… Jesus turned water into wine. So maybe God didn’t forbid it. Maybe we should stop acting like judgy little brats and let God be the judge of our online and offline behaviors.

I have a theory about all of this and it boils down to one simple idea:

As women, we are constantly waging Mommy Wars.

And it’s not limited to drinking or not drinking.

Do you even know how much crap I caught about not breastfeeding my daughter, being a working mother, and having a nanny? OH THE SHAME! HOW DARE I SUPPORT MY FAMILY AND GIVE THE GIRL THE FORBIDDEN FORMULA! 

If we all had a penis, we wouldn’t even be having these sorts of conversations. If we all had a penis, we would be sitting on the couch, watching Sports Center, scratching our balls, and holding an IPA beer.

And no one would say shit about it.

We’re becoming a bunch of mean girls.

My daughter will grow up knowing that no mother is perfect – but we try our best. Will your daughter know that? Or will you breed another generation of this crap? Will you thrust her into motherhood thinking it’s all white picket fences? Will you tell her when it’s not all white picket fences, she should not talk about it to her Facebook friends?

Stop it with the Mommy Wars.

What do you think? Am I right or wrong on this? Are we waging constant Mommy Wars to make each other feel less than perfect?

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Amanda

Thank you thank you thank you.

I’m not a mom so I can’t relate to the “mommy wars” aspect but I DO enjoy my alcohol and have gotten snide remarks for mentioning it on Facebook. I am a full functioning adult, I have a job and responsibilities and I also LIKE HAVING A DRINK OR TWO OR MAYBE EVEN THREE SOME NIGHTS. I’m certain that half of my Facebook friends think I drink more than I do and I’m fine with that- my life, not theirs. But I certainly wouldn’t pass judgment on others or subscribe to the idea that because I post that I am enjoying a glass of wine that it will “pressure” anyone reading my post into drinking as well. Pure garbage, that article was.

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Meredith

But I love the support she’s getting. Like, no is saying – STOP THAT!

And good for those bloggers! They built a brand, and they are getting paid. GOOD FOR THEM.

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Angie M

It is really easy to judge someone for their choices when you are sitting behind a computer screen. You don’t know them, their lives, what may have happened that day. I always tell my daughter that she will learn that I am not perfect, but that I always put her first and do the best that I can for her. And I will flug up along the way.

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Dawana

I’m not even sure if I could have written this more eloquently.

Like we’ve talked about- where are the posts shaming the dads? Where are the posts telling dads they aren’t doing enough. “Too much balls-scratching dad, not enough parenting!” or “Too much sports watching, dad, not enough parenting!” or “You actually scratched your left ball, when really, you should scratch right- then left. Dad you’re not doing life right…”

I think for one, we all just love to be offended. Add that to the list of things that’s wrong with our society right now. “You said what? Oh. My. Word.” “She did what?! Oh. My. Word.”
For.
Friggin.
Shame.

Who are we to start telling other people how they should live their lives?
I mean, weed is legal in Colorado. I used to live there. There were weed dispensaries everywhere, did that “pressure” me to go buy weed? No. (Though, if I were a burnout that didn’t have kids or bills to pay with money to blow, it would’ve been tempting.)

I’m gonna just echo you and say that only God can judge me. Only Him. When I die, and I get to the gates and the Angel Gabriel has the book of MY LIFE open- we can have that talk.

But? I know he’s gonna say “well done, Dawana.”

I can’t with these Internet people.

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Robin

Why are people so pressed about things that are truly none of their bi-business? So you like to have a glass of wine or two after work – so what? As long as you know your limits and are not hurting others with your drinking, have at it. Take pics and post them so I can be jealous. And this is coming from a person who has family members and friends with (horrible) addiction problems.

I agree 1000% that alcoholism and/or addictions are glamorized way too much in our society, and not enough attention is given to treating them safely. However, sometimes a shot is just a shot.

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Kristin

No judgement from me! Where is the diving board to this cesspool?

Women need women….we should be supporting each other….wine in hand (or not) ; ) onward march!

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erica

Yeah its true. I get WAY to sick of the constant negativity and shaming. That is why I try to be as nice as I can to the people around me. It is just more fun than being a bitch. Being a bitch is exhausting, that is why mean girls start looking haggard eventually.

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Nancy

You know, men talk about going out/staying in watching sports and drinking beer and it is not a thing. All the old shows in black and white show the wife having a drink ready for the husband after he gets home from a “hard day at the office”. NO WORDS ARE SPOKEN ABOUT THIS. I had an alcoholic as my birth mother. I. Still. Drink. STONE ME. Seriously, can we all just simmer the fuck down? If we want to be concerned about parenting, how about we talk about the parents who are NON FUNCTIONING insert habit or parental flaw here. Plenty of children are neglected and abused. They suffer from REAL issues. Most kids are not in therapy because Mommy was giggly on Wednesday nights with her friends after drinks. At least mine aren’t…….YET.

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Joy

If we stopped talking behind each others backs, and supported each other we could rule the world. My daughter knows better. Do not trash other women’s decisions. We need to stick together!

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steph gas

not a mom, but a woman in recovery. i think that overall, alcohol is often glamorized in society and the media. i think that anyone who has even a drink and gets behind the wheel is making a big mistake (this is not based on personal opinion but on science that shows how quickly any alcohol can impair our judgement). i have concern over things i see online about moms getting together for playdates with wine – someone is driving.

however, i think this article is really making a huge deal out of not a very big deal. i don’t read many mommy blogs, but the ones i read that are written by mothers don’t really deal with alcohol that much. really. definitely not any more often than other ‘non-mommy’ blogs.

as some others have said, we have enough fucking problems as women. we shouldn’t be cutting each other down – or calling each other out like this. we should be supporting each other, loving each other, and promoting those ideas every chance we get.

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Nuala Reilly

Amen sister. Once again you shine out as a voice of reason. No more being the cause of our own gender’s hatred.

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Meghan

The Today Show had an “expose” on this very topic yesterday. If I rolled my eyes any harder at my TV, they would have fallen out of my eye sockets.

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